My immediate thought was...."So...I LITERALLY have a broken heart?" You have got to be kidding me!" But as I await my appointment with the cardiologist, I evaluate my situation more deeply. First, I hope that the machine at my primary care physician's office gave a false reading and all of this concern is for naught. It could happen...right?
I also ponder the fact that every ailment my parents have experienced, including my father's current chronic heart failure, seems to plague me and not my two older sisters. It's as if they scraped together the last of the genetic "stuff" they both had and made me. Maybe they should have stopped with two! But they did give me all of the "good looks" genes so I guess it balances out. By the way, my sisters love when I say that.
What I really have been contemplating is how do I really feel about my health and my future? Like I have said before, I don't plan to harm myself nor do I want anything to happen that would end my days. Yet when faced with the possibility of serious health problems I wonder what is more important, quality of years or quantity?
I miss my daughter more than words can express and it grows everyday. I am anxious to be with her again. My life here on this earth sometimes causes me to pause and think what am I doing all of this for? At this stage of my life I should be looking forward to working hard and retiring to spend time with my grandbabies...of whom now Lauren is not here to give me.
But I do still have my stepdaughter, McKenzie. Although I love her dearly, my relationship with her and with her future children is not the same as it was and would have been with Lauren and her children. McKenzie has her own mother to rely on when she has questions with her future babies. She isn't going to call me like Lauren would have. I will only be able to enjoy McKenzie's children somewhat peripherally.
So, with all of this going on I simply pray. I pray that God will continue to guide me through this confusing time and that He will show me my true purpose. Why is my Lauren gone but I am still here? What is it you need me to do? Because some days I really struggle to understand. In the meantime I will go to the doctor and make the lifestyle changes I am certain will be recommended. Even though I am not thrilled with the possibility of a large quantity of years left in this world, I suppose it would be wise to make the ones I have left the best quality they can be.
