In the past I would attempt to "think" my way out of feeling things that I believed were useless or didn't make sense. For example, when I went through my divorce and was thoroughly convinced that no man would ever love me again. Why not? Because Ray didn't love me and he was the only person in the world I wanted to love me. So if I couldn't make him love me how would anyone else? I would beat myself up all the time for feeling this way. Looking back...I just needed to feel it and move on.
Therefore I plan to do things differently this time. I know it makes no sense to feel alone when there are people all around me...but I do. It's because the one person I want to be here is not.
Lauren and I shared a collective memory that cannot be duplicated with anyone else. Although I have some family memories that have a common thread with Ray, Donnie and Lauren Michelle, I have many more that are unique to just Lauren and me. Inside jokes, secret looks or code words only she and I understand.
People are often more shocked at my loss of Lauren when they find out she was my only child...by birth of course. I have tended to discount this as being any more detrimental than any mother losing a child regardless of her having more children remaining.
But lately as I struggle with feeling alone, it is difficult to not wonder if it is because Lauren was my only child. After my divorce we had many years alone together, just the two of us. I have no other children who shared those years who can offer any reminiscence of family experiences. There is no one else now...just me.
I still don't know why Lauren had to go...continues to blow my mind and break my heart. She is gone and I am here, alone.
