Mother's Day...First and Last

    

     Tomorrow, May 7th, is my daughter's birthday. She will be 22 years old...if they count years in Heaven. This will be the 3rd birthday of Lauren's that I have celebrated since her death on March 28, 2014. The first, her 20th, came soon after the accident.  I was still in such shock about life changing so drastically that I was in a mental fog .
     The next birthday marked Lauren's 21st year. She and I had always planned to go to the Dallas Bull, a country dance club here in Tampa. This is where we had gone for her 18th birthday several years earlier. So, my friends and I got all gussied up and went anyway. The way I see it...I didn't change the plans so I was still gonna go have fun. And we did just that! It was a wonderful evening filled with memories, laughs and only a few tears.
     Which brings me to this year, Lauren's 22nd birthday. Several things make this year different than the other birthdays that have passed. For one thing, I was 22 when I had Lauren. It's strange to picture myself so young and having my sweet baby girl. Of course I thought I was full grown.
     Another quirk to this year's birthday is that it mirrors the year Lauren was born in 1994. She was born at 4:30 pm on Saturday and the very next day, Sunday the 8th was Mother's Day. My mother came to see us in the hospital and brought me my very first Mother's Day card. Inside she wrote "Lauren (one day old)". I was so excited and maintained the card safely tucked away in Lauren's baby book.
     All of this has made me rather sentimental as I reminisce on Mother's Days gone by. The various hand made cards, gifts, poems and pictures. I've always cherished each and every one of them and now the emotional tie to these items is even stronger. Lauren was truly a sweet soul.
     I end by saying that one of my bigger regrets, if one can rank the multitude of negatives to losing a child, is that I will not get to see Lauren receive her first Mother's Day card. Oh how I wanted to watch her love and embrace her own children. I only hope that I would have been a positive example for her to follow. Unfortunately I will never know.

Little Reminders

I often think of Lauren whenever I visit places she and I used to frequent. A couple of weeks ago I went shopping with my friend Sandie. We decided to stop by T.J. Maxx to look at purses for her and shoes for me. Lauren used to love shopping here trying to find great deals.
I smiled as I thought of her while walking toward the shoe section. I went to the row featuring my size 9 and started my search. Nothing really jumped out at me and my quest was very short lived. As I was leaving the shoe section a pretty pair of heels caught my attention.
The sparkly, strappy sandals were in the size 7 section. I had no business entering the section at all. I could no more fit into a size 7 than Cinderella's evil step sister could shove her chubby foot into the glass slipper. But for some reason I was drawn into the aisle anyway. I just wanted to see the pretty shoe up close. I was drawn to it...wanted to touch it and hold it.
I approached the sandal and was flabbergasted when I got close enough to see the name of the designer branded across the arch. It was made by Ralph Lauren...with LAUREN in big letters down the middle. Again I smiled and looked toward heaven, saying a quick "Hello" to my precious girl. I think she was saying "Hello" to me.
Thank you Lauren for letting me know you're doing well. I still miss you everyday and I long to see you again. I love you.