PLEASE GO TO BEGINNING

Thank you for visiting my blog. The important thing you must know, in order for my posts to make sense, you must go to the beginning. Please start with my first post dated April 27, 2014.

You can access all posts on the right side of screen. 

Again, I appreciate your visit ;)

Luckiest Mom in the World

I haven't written in a long time. That certainly doesn't mean I don't think of my Lauren often. I miss something about her every single day. So what has prompted me to write now after all of this time you ask? I feel compelled to share a new perspective.
I observe my students and how they struggle to find acceptance in a world of social media where cruelty runs rampant and mostly unchecked. Many news stories of late have detailed instances of child abuse, children who have gone missing, and even murdered. Sex trafficking is alive and well despite our efforts to end this diabolical industry.
I cringe at the thought of maneuvering these ever present threats to my child. I often contemplate how I functioned at all when Lauren was alive. I know I did...I just can't remember how. How did I ever let her out of the door? How did I allow her to be online? How did I send her off to school in another town?
Now I don't write this to scare any of you blessed to have your children here with you. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or add to your worry. What I want to do is try to explain what happens to a mother who no longer has the weight of fear in her heart. I want you to understand that when you think of me and my tragic circumstance, understand clearly that time and faith have also allowed a unique peace.
To put it plainly...I NEVER worry about my daughter. NEVER. She is in the safest, happiest and most wonderful place. My daughter is in heaven. With that comes a serenity that can't be described. It's as if a weight is lifted off your heart.
Unfortunately a different kind of weight replaces the worry. The new weight is grief and heavy it is my friend. Anxiety is now sorrow. Apprehension has shifted to anguish. Uneasiness to despondence.
So why in the world did I title this blog "The Luckiest Mom in the World"? Here's why. I was blessed with a beautiful, healthy, smart and talented daughter. I was honored enough to experience motherhood when many are not. I was privileged to create life and watch it flourish. I laughed, cried, fussed, laughed some more and built a multitude of memories.
But mostly, I am at peace. My faith in the Lord and the reassurance that Lauren now walks with Him hand in hand gets me through each day. Yes, I miss her, but I maintain focus on the blessing I received in having her in my life at all. For that, I was the luckiest mom in the world.

Mother's Day...First and Last

    

     Tomorrow, May 7th, is my daughter's birthday. She will be 22 years old...if they count years in Heaven. This will be the 3rd birthday of Lauren's that I have celebrated since her death on March 28, 2014. The first, her 20th, came soon after the accident.  I was still in such shock about life changing so drastically that I was in a mental fog .
     The next birthday marked Lauren's 21st year. She and I had always planned to go to the Dallas Bull, a country dance club here in Tampa. This is where we had gone for her 18th birthday several years earlier. So, my friends and I got all gussied up and went anyway. The way I see it...I didn't change the plans so I was still gonna go have fun. And we did just that! It was a wonderful evening filled with memories, laughs and only a few tears.
     Which brings me to this year, Lauren's 22nd birthday. Several things make this year different than the other birthdays that have passed. For one thing, I was 22 when I had Lauren. It's strange to picture myself so young and having my sweet baby girl. Of course I thought I was full grown.
     Another quirk to this year's birthday is that it mirrors the year Lauren was born in 1994. She was born at 4:30 pm on Saturday and the very next day, Sunday the 8th was Mother's Day. My mother came to see us in the hospital and brought me my very first Mother's Day card. Inside she wrote "Lauren (one day old)". I was so excited and maintained the card safely tucked away in Lauren's baby book.
     All of this has made me rather sentimental as I reminisce on Mother's Days gone by. The various hand made cards, gifts, poems and pictures. I've always cherished each and every one of them and now the emotional tie to these items is even stronger. Lauren was truly a sweet soul.
     I end by saying that one of my bigger regrets, if one can rank the multitude of negatives to losing a child, is that I will not get to see Lauren receive her first Mother's Day card. Oh how I wanted to watch her love and embrace her own children. I only hope that I would have been a positive example for her to follow. Unfortunately I will never know.

Little Reminders

I often think of Lauren whenever I visit places she and I used to frequent. A couple of weeks ago I went shopping with my friend Sandie. We decided to stop by T.J. Maxx to look at purses for her and shoes for me. Lauren used to love shopping here trying to find great deals.
I smiled as I thought of her while walking toward the shoe section. I went to the row featuring my size 9 and started my search. Nothing really jumped out at me and my quest was very short lived. As I was leaving the shoe section a pretty pair of heels caught my attention.
The sparkly, strappy sandals were in the size 7 section. I had no business entering the section at all. I could no more fit into a size 7 than Cinderella's evil step sister could shove her chubby foot into the glass slipper. But for some reason I was drawn into the aisle anyway. I just wanted to see the pretty shoe up close. I was drawn to it...wanted to touch it and hold it.
I approached the sandal and was flabbergasted when I got close enough to see the name of the designer branded across the arch. It was made by Ralph Lauren...with LAUREN in big letters down the middle. Again I smiled and looked toward heaven, saying a quick "Hello" to my precious girl. I think she was saying "Hello" to me.
Thank you Lauren for letting me know you're doing well. I still miss you everyday and I long to see you again. I love you.

Christmas 2 without You

This year the holidays have been much more difficult to handle than last year. I'm not really sure why, but as always I try to rationalize it. I think it might be because last year I knew more people were watching to see how I coped. Therefore I felt compelled to put up a better front. This year more time has gone by, less people are "watching" and I think I just feel more lonely than ever. I'm surrounded by wonderful people who love me so that's not the problem. It really is difficult to explain.
My creative juices were flowing earlier today and I wrote a poem. It is my feeble attempt to express what I'm feeling.

Another Christmas without You

 

 

Christmas without you again this year

Still makes no sense to me at all

My heart is low on joy and cheer

And it seems that endless tears fall

 

You have a seat that makes you able

To celebrate Jesus's birth up close

But I only see the empty chair at my table

And the hole in our Christmas card pose

 

It is so hard to explain to those who don't know

What it's like to miss someone like you

It's nearly impossible for me to show

The pain my heart has gone through

 

Every day of the year is hard without you

But the holidays make it even tougher

To be with family and do what we always do

With a vital piece missing...so I suffer

 

I attempt to present a happy face

And smile at the celebration

I force myself to keep up the pace

And appear full of jubilation

 

But the truth is I want nothing more

Than to see your face, take you in my arms

Have you come bounding in through the door

Full of life, laughs and many charms

 

You won't be here for Christmas this year

Or the next, or ever in this Earthly life

So every carol and tiding I hear

Will always cause my heart some strife

 

I truly miss you my precious daughter

While in this world I always will

Until I hold you again with our Heavenly Father

And finally whisper..."I love you"...still.

Alone in a Crowded Room

Lately I have had the overwhelming feeling of being lonely. Now this doesn't make rational sense as I am surrounded by people most of the time. I have loved ones at home, wonderful friends at work and brothers and sisters in Christ at church. Yet I sometimes have waves of loneliness that take my breath away.
In the past I would attempt to "think" my way out of feeling things that I believed were useless or didn't make sense. For example, when I went through my divorce and was thoroughly convinced that no man would ever love me again. Why not? Because Ray didn't love me and he was the only person in the world I wanted to love me. So if I couldn't make him love me how would anyone else? I would beat myself up all the time for feeling this way. Looking back...I just needed to feel it and move on.
Therefore I plan to do things differently this time. I know it makes no sense to feel alone when there are people all around me...but I do. It's because the one person I want to be here is not.
Lauren and I shared a collective memory that cannot be duplicated with anyone else. Although I have some family memories that have a common thread with Ray, Donnie and Lauren Michelle, I have many more that are unique to just Lauren and me. Inside jokes, secret looks or code words only she and I understand.
People are often more shocked at my loss of Lauren when they find out she was my only child...by birth of course. I have tended to discount this as being any more detrimental than any mother losing a child regardless of her having more children remaining.
But lately as I struggle with feeling alone, it is difficult to not wonder if it is because Lauren was my only child. After my divorce we had many years alone together, just the two of us. I have no other children who shared those years who can offer any reminiscence of family experiences. There is no one else now...just me.
I still don't know why Lauren had to go...continues to blow my mind and break my heart. She is gone and I am here, alone.

Letter to Lauren

I have been thinking lately about how desperately I desire to speak to my Lauren again. I have contemplated what I would say to her if she were to suddenly reappear. Well...I know that isn't going to happen but decided I would write her a letter anyway. I don't think the USPS delivers to Heaven but if it did...this is what I would send.
    
Dear Lauren,
          My precious sweetgirl I want to start by saying I miss you...terribly. I miss too many things to list. Your smile, your laugh, your way of ending words with "uh" when you're frustrated and whining, your piles of dirty clothes, your car that looks like a closet, your pitching, your insistence that I watch video after silly video on YouTube, and "snuggle tummy"...just to name a few. But, niceties aside, why in the world did you have to come home after your softball game that night? Baby girl, I would have gone with you the next day to visit your step sis and new baby in the hospital. Why the rush? I am mad at you...I really am. I still can't believe you left me here. Don't you remember that all of my plans and aspirations included you? My hard work is to provide for you. My retirement was to be spent spoiling your babies. I wanted to watch you teach kindergarteners...you know, the kids too cute for you to get mad at. And I definitely wanted to say "I told you so" when you realized you can indeed get mad at them. I feel robbed. Totally cheated out of the fun, frustration, disappointments, joys, and adventures of the rest of YOUR life.
          Now I have no doubt that you are just fine. Living it up in paradise and without a care at all. Which brings me to another point. I cannot believe you went and did this without checking with me first. You asked my advice for everything. If you had asked me ahead of time whether or not I thought it was a good idea for you to die...I would have said ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I mean seriously you pain in my butt, it really was a bone headed move.
          But, what's done is done. Can't change it now. Just know that I think about you all the time. I cry about you often, but mostly when I'm by myself. I also smile when I remember the crazy times and even laugh out loud at some memories. I'm still mad...but I love you forever. Tell Jesus and everyone else up there I said "Hey" and keep enjoying the afterlife baby. I'll get there when I can. Kinda up to the Big Guy so we will both have to wait. I miss you very much.

Love,
Mom