Letter to Lauren

I have been thinking lately about how desperately I desire to speak to my Lauren again. I have contemplated what I would say to her if she were to suddenly reappear. Well...I know that isn't going to happen but decided I would write her a letter anyway. I don't think the USPS delivers to Heaven but if it did...this is what I would send.
    
Dear Lauren,
          My precious sweetgirl I want to start by saying I miss you...terribly. I miss too many things to list. Your smile, your laugh, your way of ending words with "uh" when you're frustrated and whining, your piles of dirty clothes, your car that looks like a closet, your pitching, your insistence that I watch video after silly video on YouTube, and "snuggle tummy"...just to name a few. But, niceties aside, why in the world did you have to come home after your softball game that night? Baby girl, I would have gone with you the next day to visit your step sis and new baby in the hospital. Why the rush? I am mad at you...I really am. I still can't believe you left me here. Don't you remember that all of my plans and aspirations included you? My hard work is to provide for you. My retirement was to be spent spoiling your babies. I wanted to watch you teach kindergarteners...you know, the kids too cute for you to get mad at. And I definitely wanted to say "I told you so" when you realized you can indeed get mad at them. I feel robbed. Totally cheated out of the fun, frustration, disappointments, joys, and adventures of the rest of YOUR life.
          Now I have no doubt that you are just fine. Living it up in paradise and without a care at all. Which brings me to another point. I cannot believe you went and did this without checking with me first. You asked my advice for everything. If you had asked me ahead of time whether or not I thought it was a good idea for you to die...I would have said ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I mean seriously you pain in my butt, it really was a bone headed move.
          But, what's done is done. Can't change it now. Just know that I think about you all the time. I cry about you often, but mostly when I'm by myself. I also smile when I remember the crazy times and even laugh out loud at some memories. I'm still mad...but I love you forever. Tell Jesus and everyone else up there I said "Hey" and keep enjoying the afterlife baby. I'll get there when I can. Kinda up to the Big Guy so we will both have to wait. I miss you very much.

Love,
Mom

Longing for Lauren

     I spent this past weekend at the beach with my friend Sandie. I also spent a lot of time thinking about Lauren. I think of her almost all of the time anyway...but this weekend provided many reminders.
     Thursday, prior to leaving for the beach, I received a package at my office. Inside I found a book and a 2 page typed letter from a colleague of mine. The sender of the package is a social worker at one of my middle schools. I had only been in my current position for 2 months when I lost Lauren so suddenly and tragically and had not conducted any meetings at his school up to that point. Therefore he did not know me well...or at all...when Lauren died.
     His letter opened by telling me that he had heard about Lauren's passing at the time it happened but having not really met me yet, he had not reached out to me then. He talked about a meeting after which I spoke about Lauren. Oh how I love to still talk about my beautiful daughter.
     His letter went on to share with me some very devastating events from his own past. My eyes brimmed with tears as I read his words. How wonderful was it for him to share such things with me? I cannot explain how grateful I am to have received such a personal note out of the blue.
     Then, upon arrival at the condo on the beach, I received a private message on Facebook from a high school friend. We hadn't spoken since attending school together, but reconnected through a common friend on the social network. Her message was so sweet, stating that she remembered me from school as being fun, funny and having a great laugh. This made me smile. She went on to write that once she viewed my page she had another realization. She informed me that she had been in attendance at Bell Shoals Baptist Church on Easter morning and had watched my video. I was flattered when she said that my testimony had touched many lives.
     Saturday night, Sandie and I were eating dinner at a restaurant near the beach where we were spending the weekend. The TV was showing professional arm wrestling. She and I laughed as I reminded her that our elementary school students loved to try to coax us into arm wrestling challenges. Upon glancing at the TV at one point in the evening, I noticed that the sister of one of the competitors was named Lauren. It gave me brief pause, as seeing her name always does. About 10 or 15 minutes later, I glanced at the TV again. This time the screen showed a different woman, the wife of another competitor and yes, her name too was Lauren. Now it had my attention. I couldn't help but think that MY Lauren was there with us.
     The next morning, as we were packing and tidying up the condo, I had the TV turned onto a remodeling show. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard the narrator introduce the couple and...you guessed it...the woman's name was Lauren. This time I just had to smile, and laugh, then cry a little. All of the reminders are bittersweet and produce feelings that are a mixture of nostalgia, peace, joy, pain, longing and loss....all rolled up in one wave of emotions.
     I guess it will be like this for the rest of my days, these unexpected messages from others and maybe some from Lauren. I do relish in them and do not want them to stop. I just wish they didn't serve as a reminder that my precious daughter is not here.