Frozen in Time

     It is truly sad to think about all of the future stages of life I will never see Lauren go through. I look at the beautiful pictures of her and I can vividly remember everything about her at the age she was when she died...but that is where it ends. She will be forever frozen in time at 19...almost 20 years old.
     I won't see her at 25 and graduating from college. Maybe in love and planning on getting married soon. I won't see her at 30, having taught kindergarten for five years and now married to her college sweetheart. I won't see her at about 33 pregnant with her first child and loving every aspect of it. She will never be 40, a mother of 2, happily married, teaching, and running her kiddos around town to little league and piano lessons.
    I will never receive a phone call from my 45 year old daughter seeking my advice because HER preteen daughter is driving her crazy. I will never get to chuckle into the phone as she rants about her daughter's messy room, lazy attitude, and social drama. But I would have loved to listen.
     I won't get to commiserate with my 50 year old daughter as she struggles to find even one thing she likes about her 15 year old son's girlfriends.....just ONE. She would have reminded me that all of her boyfriend's parents loved her. She would have been so exasperated with the whole thing. And again I would have laughed a little.
     I will never sit by her side at her children's sporting events, high school dance photo ops and graduations, or weddings. No, because in my mind and heart Lauren is only 19....forever 19. Seems like such a short amount of time compared to what she had left to do. No words can describe my disappointment.

Not Enough

     Now that my daughter is gone, I think of everything I wish I had more of. More pictures, more hugs, more times I told her "I love you", more laughs. Even though we had a ton of each of these, it's not enough.
     It is hard to have the foresight when you are in the moment (can't see the forest for the trees) but take it from me, you can never do too much. Never say wonderful things enough. Never hug too much and certainly never take too may pictures with your loved ones.
     I am so blessed to have many pictures with my beautiful Lauren. But now that I am faced with the devastating realization that I can never take more, there just aren't enough. Thank God I took pictures with her regardless of my hairstyle, or my outfit,  or my make-up (or lack thereof) or heaven forbid...my weight!
     Seize the moments you have now. Take in as much as you can, while you can. Life is so precious, and unpredictable. Hug your babies!!!

Where the green weeds grow....

     I went by to see Lauren yesterday evening, I am ashamed to admit that is has been quite a while since I have gone by. The start of the school year is a busy time and I have been really pooped after work lately. But I decided it had been too long and stopped by the cemetery.
     Lauren's site is completely covered in green. I can't call it grass because it is really weeds. I am not sure why but it made me cry when I saw it. Maybe because it gives her grave the appearance of having been there forever. Like it fits in now.
     When the earth was still freshly upturned and all I could see was dirt, it reminded me of the recentness of the event. It made me feel OK that I was still struggling emotionally because it was new...this life I now live.
     The green covering makes it seem like it has always been this way, my daughter in the ground. But it hasn't been that way, not at all. She was here and wonderful. So full of life and excited about everything. She was funny, and silly, and beautiful. She was cranky, and annoying, and exasperating at times. But she was here, the good and the bad was readily available and I really miss it all.
     Now she is so still...under the patchwork of greenery. So far, yet close in my heart. To anyone who visits her now it seems like she has always been in this place, but I know the truth. It is her life that is worth remembering, not her death.
     Although time goes by slowly, this is all so temporary compared to my time when I am reunited with her again. Dear Lord I am looking forward to that glorious day. Thank you Jesus for promising me a forever with my Lauren...thank you.