One Year, and One Day Ago

     Today is the one year anniversary of the day my precious daughter was taken from me tragically. One year and one day ago life was so wonderful. My new marriage was thriving, Lauren and my stepdaughter McKenzie were starting to really bond, I had just returned to a position with the school system that I love, and the rest of my family was healthy and happy as well. One year and one day ago I had no idea what was in store for me.
     Then that last day passed, the last day my Lauren was here. It was a really terrific day and for that I am thankful. Lauren played softball, the game she loved and worked so hard to become a part of once again. Kevin and I enjoyed sitting in the stands with my dad on a beautiful evening to watch Lauren and her teammates on the field. Lauren's other stepsister gave birth to a healthy baby girl that night too. What a special day...I only wish I knew it was the last.
     I often wonder if I would have done anything differently had I known what was about to happen. I don't think I would have, with one exception. I would have held Lauren in my arms and not let her go. I don't mean figuratively, I mean literally not let her go.
     Hold her and not let her say goodbye. Hold her and not let her walk away. Hold her and not let her get on the bus. Hold her and just...never...let...go!
     But that isn't realistic is it? We have to let our children go. We have to set them free. That's what growing up is all about. And it is wonderful to watch, your child maturing and making wise choices. Sitting back and thinking "Well all be darned, she WAS listening."
     One year ago, well, all the days before, I was really enjoying the opportunities that came up to enjoy the fruits of my labor. With every responsible decision Lauren made I was provided a brief glimpse into her future. A future destined to be awesome.
    But one year ago was a different day...it was the first day without her. The first day of a new life. The first day of what would become my new existence. My new identity. A mother without her child. A woman with a hole in her heart. A wife in mourning. A friend in need.
     This year has been a journey for sure. I have traveled through my deepest grief, my darkest sorrow, and have lived every parent's biggest fear. And on the other side of the abyss I have emerged stronger in my faith, more conscious of the impact of my actions and intensely focused on what really matters in life. Although my joy is somewhat tainted and my laughter not as bright as it used to be, I keep moving forward. And I thank God everyday. Everyday brings me one day closer to eternity with my Lauren, praise the Lord!

Driving Down Memory Lane

     I decided to spend one of my days off during spring break visiting some of the places I spent the most time with Lauren as she grew up. Although it was tough, it was also very therapeutic at the same time. I have so many wonderful memories from her childhood. As I have said before, how lucky was I to get to be her mom? Totally lucky!
     The first place I went by was the house in Lakeland Ray and I moved into a few weeks after we were married in February of 1996. Lauren was not even 2 years old yet. We had a great deal of fun in that house. I remember feeling so grown up but looking back, I was just a kid myself.
     One of the funniest memories from our first house in Lakeland was when we were potty training Lauren at the same time we were housebreaking a Jack Russell puppy. Somehow the wires of communication got crossed at one point because I caught Lauren pooping in the flower bed just outside our front door. I wasn't sure if I was more mortified that my kid took a crap in the front yard or terrified that she got out the front door without me hearing her. Wow...good times.
   Another time, when my mom was over visiting, Lauren made an escape out the front door again. Hmmmm....maybe I wasn't a great mother after all. Nonetheless, the next thing we know she comes in crying with a huge handprint on her bare bottom. She was sniffling and snotting and I was trying to make out what she was saying. All my mom and I could understand was "Daddy pank me". Ray came in and asked if I was aware that our daughter was out riding her tricycle in the cul-de-sac with only a shirt on? He had come home from work to discover this lovely activity going on. Again, life was never dull with Lauren.
     My next stop for the day was the daycare where Lauren attended and I worked to help with the expense as I was finishing my bachelor's degree. I would drop Lauren off in the morning and go to my classes then return in the afternoon to work as the p.m. supervisor. A great, yet another scary, memory from her daycare was the time Lauren was hit by a car. Calm down, let me explain. We were leaving at the end of the day and Lauren stopped halfway through the parking lot. She was trying to get the wrapper off of a piece of candy her teacher had given her. I didn't notice she had stopped and neither did my coworker who was slowly, thank God, backing her car out of its parking space. Her rear bumper smacked Lauren on the back of the head and knocked her to the ground. Luckily my coworker had her window down and heard the commotion and stopped. I raced over to make sure Lauren was alright. Fear gripped my throat as I saw her face down. She stood up, pointed at the candy on the ground, and started crying..."My candy. I dropped my candy." Good grief!!!
     I then went to the practice field where Lauren spent two seasons cheering for the Lakeland Gators. I remembered the time her squad was treated to a little bit of practice time with the high school aged girls. I sat and watched as the girls lined up to get a turn doing stunts with the older girls. I noticed that a little girl on Lauren's squad kept butting in front of the other girls to get more turns. I got angrier and angrier. Here's the thing, this little twit was already a "top" or "flyer" on her own squad. My "sturdy" Lauren was of course a base. She never had the opportunity to see what it was like to be the top. So, once I reached my limit and couldn't take it anymore, I showed my tail. I marched over to the group of high school girls and informed them, not so kindly, that if they lifted the little girl who was butting in front of everyone else ONE MORE time, there was going to be a problem. I might have let my girl get out the front door from time to time but DO NOT mess with her!!! As we rode home that evening after practice, Lauren informed me that she really didn't like being up top. Too scary. Well...I was still glad I made it happen for her so she had the opportunity to form her opinion on the whole thing. Totally worth it.
     My next stop was our second house in Lakeland, on Lake Bonny. The new owners have painted it a strange color somewhere between pink and peach and built a detached garage in the front yard, but the memories are still there. Lauren and I commuted to school all the way back in Brandon each day from that house. I often regretted that Lauren didn't attend school with the other kids in the neighborhood but she never complained. We spent time boating on the lake, riding our bikes to Taco Bell and around Lake Mirror in downtown Lakeland. We owned a pet prairie dog in this house, Princess. Lauren learned to ride a real bike here too, no training wheels. We laughed here, and cried here. All memories I will always have.
     The last stop for the day was a park on Lake Ariana in Auburndale. One summer Ray, the kids and I went out early every Saturday morning to secure a pavilion before they all filled up. Four other couples from our church, along with their kiddos, would come out from Brandon to meet us. We would spend the day boating, tubing, jet skiing, and cooking out. That was truly a wonderful summer. All of the kids were within 2-3 years of the same age and got along really well. The grown ups were not as fortunate about getting along in the long run. The final couple out of the five divorced last year. Sad really.
     Today I cried...a lot. But I also smiled and even laughed out loud, alone in my car a few times. Raising my sweet little Lauren was such a pleasure. Of course there were challenges but I wouldn't trade a single minute, not one!

First house in South Lakeland
 

Formerly

Love n Learn Child Care Center



Club House at practice field for Lakeland Gators
 

Second house in Lakeland on Lake Bonny
  

Pavilion at Lake Ariana Park

Was I not Listening?

     As I have felt called to share my testimony regarding surviving the loss of my daughter, I am also riddled with other feelings. A persistent question that plagues me is why did this have to be my story? Why did it take losing my daughter to compel me to witness to others about Jesus? Was God asking me to use my talents for His glory before but I wasn't listening?
     I openly admit that I am a "control freak". I am an over achiever, doer, closer, and overall get it done girl. I can say with total sincerity that when something as out of control as suddenly and tragically losing your only child occurs in the life of a control freak, it is catastrophic. Not that I am minimizing an event like this happening in anyone else's life, but I am attempting to express that my natural tendency in life is to fix things. Control, correct, fix, make things happen. And I could do absolutely nothing to bring my daughter back...nothing. She is gone, end of story.
     So, as God continues to work in my life and I pray to create great things from my grief, I sometimes become angry. Yes, angry at God and mostly angry at myself. I think "God, why couldn't you have ME get in an accident as a wake up call? Was I so stubborn that you had to take my daughter to make me realize you are in control? Really?"
     I miss Lauren so much, everyday. Do I continue to function in life? Of course. That's what type A's do...keep on moving forward. I pray that my story will help others in some way. I do selfishly wish my story was different, that it included my daughter still being here with me.
     But, God has a bigger plan that I feel He is only beginning to reveal to me. I ask that others pray for me that I will continue to seek His guidance and understand His intention for my life. I really am listening now.