One Year, and One Day Ago

     Today is the one year anniversary of the day my precious daughter was taken from me tragically. One year and one day ago life was so wonderful. My new marriage was thriving, Lauren and my stepdaughter McKenzie were starting to really bond, I had just returned to a position with the school system that I love, and the rest of my family was healthy and happy as well. One year and one day ago I had no idea what was in store for me.
     Then that last day passed, the last day my Lauren was here. It was a really terrific day and for that I am thankful. Lauren played softball, the game she loved and worked so hard to become a part of once again. Kevin and I enjoyed sitting in the stands with my dad on a beautiful evening to watch Lauren and her teammates on the field. Lauren's other stepsister gave birth to a healthy baby girl that night too. What a special day...I only wish I knew it was the last.
     I often wonder if I would have done anything differently had I known what was about to happen. I don't think I would have, with one exception. I would have held Lauren in my arms and not let her go. I don't mean figuratively, I mean literally not let her go.
     Hold her and not let her say goodbye. Hold her and not let her walk away. Hold her and not let her get on the bus. Hold her and just...never...let...go!
     But that isn't realistic is it? We have to let our children go. We have to set them free. That's what growing up is all about. And it is wonderful to watch, your child maturing and making wise choices. Sitting back and thinking "Well all be darned, she WAS listening."
     One year ago, well, all the days before, I was really enjoying the opportunities that came up to enjoy the fruits of my labor. With every responsible decision Lauren made I was provided a brief glimpse into her future. A future destined to be awesome.
    But one year ago was a different day...it was the first day without her. The first day of a new life. The first day of what would become my new existence. My new identity. A mother without her child. A woman with a hole in her heart. A wife in mourning. A friend in need.
     This year has been a journey for sure. I have traveled through my deepest grief, my darkest sorrow, and have lived every parent's biggest fear. And on the other side of the abyss I have emerged stronger in my faith, more conscious of the impact of my actions and intensely focused on what really matters in life. Although my joy is somewhat tainted and my laughter not as bright as it used to be, I keep moving forward. And I thank God everyday. Everyday brings me one day closer to eternity with my Lauren, praise the Lord!