Was I not Listening?

     As I have felt called to share my testimony regarding surviving the loss of my daughter, I am also riddled with other feelings. A persistent question that plagues me is why did this have to be my story? Why did it take losing my daughter to compel me to witness to others about Jesus? Was God asking me to use my talents for His glory before but I wasn't listening?
     I openly admit that I am a "control freak". I am an over achiever, doer, closer, and overall get it done girl. I can say with total sincerity that when something as out of control as suddenly and tragically losing your only child occurs in the life of a control freak, it is catastrophic. Not that I am minimizing an event like this happening in anyone else's life, but I am attempting to express that my natural tendency in life is to fix things. Control, correct, fix, make things happen. And I could do absolutely nothing to bring my daughter back...nothing. She is gone, end of story.
     So, as God continues to work in my life and I pray to create great things from my grief, I sometimes become angry. Yes, angry at God and mostly angry at myself. I think "God, why couldn't you have ME get in an accident as a wake up call? Was I so stubborn that you had to take my daughter to make me realize you are in control? Really?"
     I miss Lauren so much, everyday. Do I continue to function in life? Of course. That's what type A's do...keep on moving forward. I pray that my story will help others in some way. I do selfishly wish my story was different, that it included my daughter still being here with me.
     But, God has a bigger plan that I feel He is only beginning to reveal to me. I ask that others pray for me that I will continue to seek His guidance and understand His intention for my life. I really am listening now.