Christmas 2 without You

This year the holidays have been much more difficult to handle than last year. I'm not really sure why, but as always I try to rationalize it. I think it might be because last year I knew more people were watching to see how I coped. Therefore I felt compelled to put up a better front. This year more time has gone by, less people are "watching" and I think I just feel more lonely than ever. I'm surrounded by wonderful people who love me so that's not the problem. It really is difficult to explain.
My creative juices were flowing earlier today and I wrote a poem. It is my feeble attempt to express what I'm feeling.

Another Christmas without You

 

 

Christmas without you again this year

Still makes no sense to me at all

My heart is low on joy and cheer

And it seems that endless tears fall

 

You have a seat that makes you able

To celebrate Jesus's birth up close

But I only see the empty chair at my table

And the hole in our Christmas card pose

 

It is so hard to explain to those who don't know

What it's like to miss someone like you

It's nearly impossible for me to show

The pain my heart has gone through

 

Every day of the year is hard without you

But the holidays make it even tougher

To be with family and do what we always do

With a vital piece missing...so I suffer

 

I attempt to present a happy face

And smile at the celebration

I force myself to keep up the pace

And appear full of jubilation

 

But the truth is I want nothing more

Than to see your face, take you in my arms

Have you come bounding in through the door

Full of life, laughs and many charms

 

You won't be here for Christmas this year

Or the next, or ever in this Earthly life

So every carol and tiding I hear

Will always cause my heart some strife

 

I truly miss you my precious daughter

While in this world I always will

Until I hold you again with our Heavenly Father

And finally whisper..."I love you"...still.

Alone in a Crowded Room

Lately I have had the overwhelming feeling of being lonely. Now this doesn't make rational sense as I am surrounded by people most of the time. I have loved ones at home, wonderful friends at work and brothers and sisters in Christ at church. Yet I sometimes have waves of loneliness that take my breath away.
In the past I would attempt to "think" my way out of feeling things that I believed were useless or didn't make sense. For example, when I went through my divorce and was thoroughly convinced that no man would ever love me again. Why not? Because Ray didn't love me and he was the only person in the world I wanted to love me. So if I couldn't make him love me how would anyone else? I would beat myself up all the time for feeling this way. Looking back...I just needed to feel it and move on.
Therefore I plan to do things differently this time. I know it makes no sense to feel alone when there are people all around me...but I do. It's because the one person I want to be here is not.
Lauren and I shared a collective memory that cannot be duplicated with anyone else. Although I have some family memories that have a common thread with Ray, Donnie and Lauren Michelle, I have many more that are unique to just Lauren and me. Inside jokes, secret looks or code words only she and I understand.
People are often more shocked at my loss of Lauren when they find out she was my only child...by birth of course. I have tended to discount this as being any more detrimental than any mother losing a child regardless of her having more children remaining.
But lately as I struggle with feeling alone, it is difficult to not wonder if it is because Lauren was my only child. After my divorce we had many years alone together, just the two of us. I have no other children who shared those years who can offer any reminiscence of family experiences. There is no one else now...just me.
I still don't know why Lauren had to go...continues to blow my mind and break my heart. She is gone and I am here, alone.

Letter to Lauren

I have been thinking lately about how desperately I desire to speak to my Lauren again. I have contemplated what I would say to her if she were to suddenly reappear. Well...I know that isn't going to happen but decided I would write her a letter anyway. I don't think the USPS delivers to Heaven but if it did...this is what I would send.
    
Dear Lauren,
          My precious sweetgirl I want to start by saying I miss you...terribly. I miss too many things to list. Your smile, your laugh, your way of ending words with "uh" when you're frustrated and whining, your piles of dirty clothes, your car that looks like a closet, your pitching, your insistence that I watch video after silly video on YouTube, and "snuggle tummy"...just to name a few. But, niceties aside, why in the world did you have to come home after your softball game that night? Baby girl, I would have gone with you the next day to visit your step sis and new baby in the hospital. Why the rush? I am mad at you...I really am. I still can't believe you left me here. Don't you remember that all of my plans and aspirations included you? My hard work is to provide for you. My retirement was to be spent spoiling your babies. I wanted to watch you teach kindergarteners...you know, the kids too cute for you to get mad at. And I definitely wanted to say "I told you so" when you realized you can indeed get mad at them. I feel robbed. Totally cheated out of the fun, frustration, disappointments, joys, and adventures of the rest of YOUR life.
          Now I have no doubt that you are just fine. Living it up in paradise and without a care at all. Which brings me to another point. I cannot believe you went and did this without checking with me first. You asked my advice for everything. If you had asked me ahead of time whether or not I thought it was a good idea for you to die...I would have said ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I mean seriously you pain in my butt, it really was a bone headed move.
          But, what's done is done. Can't change it now. Just know that I think about you all the time. I cry about you often, but mostly when I'm by myself. I also smile when I remember the crazy times and even laugh out loud at some memories. I'm still mad...but I love you forever. Tell Jesus and everyone else up there I said "Hey" and keep enjoying the afterlife baby. I'll get there when I can. Kinda up to the Big Guy so we will both have to wait. I miss you very much.

Love,
Mom

Longing for Lauren

     I spent this past weekend at the beach with my friend Sandie. I also spent a lot of time thinking about Lauren. I think of her almost all of the time anyway...but this weekend provided many reminders.
     Thursday, prior to leaving for the beach, I received a package at my office. Inside I found a book and a 2 page typed letter from a colleague of mine. The sender of the package is a social worker at one of my middle schools. I had only been in my current position for 2 months when I lost Lauren so suddenly and tragically and had not conducted any meetings at his school up to that point. Therefore he did not know me well...or at all...when Lauren died.
     His letter opened by telling me that he had heard about Lauren's passing at the time it happened but having not really met me yet, he had not reached out to me then. He talked about a meeting after which I spoke about Lauren. Oh how I love to still talk about my beautiful daughter.
     His letter went on to share with me some very devastating events from his own past. My eyes brimmed with tears as I read his words. How wonderful was it for him to share such things with me? I cannot explain how grateful I am to have received such a personal note out of the blue.
     Then, upon arrival at the condo on the beach, I received a private message on Facebook from a high school friend. We hadn't spoken since attending school together, but reconnected through a common friend on the social network. Her message was so sweet, stating that she remembered me from school as being fun, funny and having a great laugh. This made me smile. She went on to write that once she viewed my page she had another realization. She informed me that she had been in attendance at Bell Shoals Baptist Church on Easter morning and had watched my video. I was flattered when she said that my testimony had touched many lives.
     Saturday night, Sandie and I were eating dinner at a restaurant near the beach where we were spending the weekend. The TV was showing professional arm wrestling. She and I laughed as I reminded her that our elementary school students loved to try to coax us into arm wrestling challenges. Upon glancing at the TV at one point in the evening, I noticed that the sister of one of the competitors was named Lauren. It gave me brief pause, as seeing her name always does. About 10 or 15 minutes later, I glanced at the TV again. This time the screen showed a different woman, the wife of another competitor and yes, her name too was Lauren. Now it had my attention. I couldn't help but think that MY Lauren was there with us.
     The next morning, as we were packing and tidying up the condo, I had the TV turned onto a remodeling show. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard the narrator introduce the couple and...you guessed it...the woman's name was Lauren. This time I just had to smile, and laugh, then cry a little. All of the reminders are bittersweet and produce feelings that are a mixture of nostalgia, peace, joy, pain, longing and loss....all rolled up in one wave of emotions.
     I guess it will be like this for the rest of my days, these unexpected messages from others and maybe some from Lauren. I do relish in them and do not want them to stop. I just wish they didn't serve as a reminder that my precious daughter is not here.

Quality vs. Quantity

     Last week I was referred to a cardiologist by my primary care physician due to my heart's ejection fraction being too low. To explain in layman's terms, your heart expels a certain percentage of the blood within its left ventricle with every pump. Normal rates are between 55 and 70%. A rate between 40 and 55% indicates some previous damage to the heart. Any rate below 40% can mean that you are experiencing heart failure. Mine was 39%.
     My immediate thought was...."So...I LITERALLY have a broken heart?" You have got to be kidding me!" But as I await my appointment with the cardiologist, I evaluate my situation more deeply. First, I hope that the machine at my primary care physician's office gave a false reading and all of this concern is for naught. It could happen...right?
     I also ponder the fact that every ailment my parents have experienced, including my father's current chronic heart failure, seems to plague me and not my two older sisters. It's as if they scraped together the last of the genetic "stuff" they both had and made me. Maybe they should have stopped with two! But they did give me all of the "good looks" genes so I guess it balances out. By the way, my sisters love when I say that.
     What I really have been contemplating is how do I really feel about my health and my future? Like I have said before, I don't plan to harm myself nor do I want anything to happen that would end my days. Yet when faced with the possibility of serious health problems I wonder what is more important, quality of years or quantity?
     I miss my daughter more than words can express and it grows everyday. I am anxious to be with her again. My life here on this earth sometimes causes me to pause and think what am I doing all of this for? At this stage of my life I should be looking forward to working hard and retiring to spend time with my grandbabies...of whom now Lauren is not here to give me.
     But I do still have my stepdaughter, McKenzie. Although I love her dearly, my relationship with her and with her future children is not the same as it was and would have been with Lauren and her children. McKenzie has her own mother to rely on when she has questions with her future babies. She isn't going to call me like Lauren would have. I will only be able to enjoy McKenzie's children somewhat peripherally.
     So, with all of this going on I simply pray. I pray that God will continue to guide me through this confusing time and that He will show me my true purpose. Why is my Lauren gone but I am still here? What is it you need me to do? Because some days I really struggle to understand. In the meantime I will go to the doctor and make the lifestyle changes I am certain will be recommended. Even though I am not thrilled with the possibility of a large quantity of years left in this world, I suppose it would be wise to make the ones I have left the best quality they can be.

Living Legacy

     As my journey through this life without my daughter continues I am sometimes caught off guard by a totally unexpected emotional response to a typically unassuming event. I become weepy and nostalgic when something happens to remind me of yet another facet of my broken heart that I had not even considered. And I know this will continue to happen...forever.
     I attended a retirement party for a friend and colleague last Friday afternoon. It was an awesome occasion with tasty food, great friends and many laughs. I was having a wonderful time listening to all of the speakers singing the praises of my most deserving friend as she was celebrating retirement after serving in education for 35+ years.
     Then it was time for her family, more specifically her children to speak. And it hit me like a Mack truck...I will not have my Lauren with me when I retire. She won't be there to speak for me, or tease me, or cry with me. I sat in my chair trying to hold back my tears. Luckily many others were getting choked up too as my friend's daughter's speech was a tear jerker and therefore my tears blended in.
     I know I must sound terribly selfish. Here I am at someone else's celebration and all I can focus on is my loss and how it will continue to impact my life. I hate that this happens but it is all just so final, my daughter being gone. So absolute and so complete.
     Then a former principal, with whom my friend once worked, stood and spoke about what a wonderful teacher my friend's daughter is also. She then informed my friend that she should be proud because her legacy lives on in her daughter. I honestly do not know what kept me from sliding right under the table at that point. I want to watch my daughter teach kindergarten. I want a living legacy.
     There I go being selfish again but really...it is truly disheartening to think about the future sometimes. Most days I move along without "incident". But then all of a sudden...WHAM, something hits me. I did suck it up, put on a bright smile, and enjoyed the rest of the evening in honor of my friend. I just wish this grief stuff came with instructions. I only have one...PRAY. And I do, often.

 

 

One Year, and One Day Ago

     Today is the one year anniversary of the day my precious daughter was taken from me tragically. One year and one day ago life was so wonderful. My new marriage was thriving, Lauren and my stepdaughter McKenzie were starting to really bond, I had just returned to a position with the school system that I love, and the rest of my family was healthy and happy as well. One year and one day ago I had no idea what was in store for me.
     Then that last day passed, the last day my Lauren was here. It was a really terrific day and for that I am thankful. Lauren played softball, the game she loved and worked so hard to become a part of once again. Kevin and I enjoyed sitting in the stands with my dad on a beautiful evening to watch Lauren and her teammates on the field. Lauren's other stepsister gave birth to a healthy baby girl that night too. What a special day...I only wish I knew it was the last.
     I often wonder if I would have done anything differently had I known what was about to happen. I don't think I would have, with one exception. I would have held Lauren in my arms and not let her go. I don't mean figuratively, I mean literally not let her go.
     Hold her and not let her say goodbye. Hold her and not let her walk away. Hold her and not let her get on the bus. Hold her and just...never...let...go!
     But that isn't realistic is it? We have to let our children go. We have to set them free. That's what growing up is all about. And it is wonderful to watch, your child maturing and making wise choices. Sitting back and thinking "Well all be darned, she WAS listening."
     One year ago, well, all the days before, I was really enjoying the opportunities that came up to enjoy the fruits of my labor. With every responsible decision Lauren made I was provided a brief glimpse into her future. A future destined to be awesome.
    But one year ago was a different day...it was the first day without her. The first day of a new life. The first day of what would become my new existence. My new identity. A mother without her child. A woman with a hole in her heart. A wife in mourning. A friend in need.
     This year has been a journey for sure. I have traveled through my deepest grief, my darkest sorrow, and have lived every parent's biggest fear. And on the other side of the abyss I have emerged stronger in my faith, more conscious of the impact of my actions and intensely focused on what really matters in life. Although my joy is somewhat tainted and my laughter not as bright as it used to be, I keep moving forward. And I thank God everyday. Everyday brings me one day closer to eternity with my Lauren, praise the Lord!