Some Days It's a Struggle

Today is not a very good Lauren day for me. I can't really explain why some days are worse than others, they just are. I suppose it could partly be due to the fact that I am a woman, and therefore wonderfully made up of many things including...hormones. Although I had a hysterectomy many years ago, something I had to remind my mom of when she recently suggested I have a baby, my ovaries are still intact. This means I still go through the delightful "cycle" each month, including the overly emotional time of PMS.
This is yet another item on the long list of things I miss about Lauren. Research has shown that two women, living under the same roof, often become synced up with their menstrual cycles. I honestly believe Lauren and I were in sync. Because it is impossible for me to tell exactly what is going on, I have no "period" anymore, I relied on Lauren's schedule to help me determine if I was indeed PMSing, or just out of control. I would call or text her and ask if she was about to "start". If she said yes, I would reply, "Well that explains it!" Whatever "it" was was irrelevant. My reaction to "it" was obviously in question.
Since her death, I tend to have days where it all just becomes too much. Certain times where the senselessness of it all overwhelms me. For all of my attempts at stoicism, I really just hurt inside most of the time. I just hide it better on some days than others.
Today is not a good day. I can't stop crying and I keep contacting friends to try and make a lunch date in order distract myself. Maybe if I can just do something else it would make me feel better. I can't focus on work. Thinking about school placements for special needs 3 year olds makes my head hurt. Not always, but today. I don't want to call parents and talk to them about their kids. I don't want to hear about everything their child can and can't do developmentally. I just don't.
Now don't panic...these days are very rare and I do love my job, most of the time. Maybe I am moving into the "anger" stage of my grief. Because I am angry. Not a "I'm gonna punch somebody in the face" kind of angry. It's more like a "What the hell? Really, this is my life now?" sort of angry. I'm not angry at anyone, yet angry at everyone. It is so hard to explain.
So I sit in my office and cry. Not non-stop, but about every 15 minutes or so. I look at Lauren's pictures on my wall, or the card she gave me that is pinned to my bulletin board, and I cry. This all just seems so stupid. Stupid and painful and pointless. I realize this rant is quite the contrast to my most recent post. All the more reason for me to assume I am riding the hormone express. So I guess I should spare you all from further rambling. I just really miss my daughter...really.