Why Not Me?

Often times when an unexpected tragedy strikes the first question most are compelled to ask is ¨Why me?¨ Sometimes with balled fists raised to the sky we even challenge God and demand an answer to this question. But I ask...¨Why not me?¨
I look back over my life and find no measure of nobility so great that I should be immune to loss. No altruism that would grant me a guarantee against pain and suffering. I have not done such grand deeds that I should receive an impenetrable shield against devastation and tragedy.
I by no means feel that I deserved to lose my precious daughter. I simply don't think that I am so special that I could avoid what was to be. I have not adopted a victim mentality because frankly, it would prove to be futile. What purpose would it serve to mope around and stammer "Whoa is me"?
I hate that this happened. It makes me angry because I miss my daughter, my friend. I desperately wish I could wake up in the morning to discover this has all been a terrible mistake. Instead I am living a reverse nightmare. Sleep offers respite. It is waking that brings the realization that Lauren is never coming home. Never calling or texting. Never laughing at my jokes....even the ones that are at her expense. Never pitching again or going to school.
See, this didn't happen to me. I must live in the wake produced by the vessel of tragic happenstance. But it did not target me, or Lauren. It just happened.
And it really sucks!
It is so strange to be a member of this club...the club of mother's who have lost their children. Although the club itself is somewhat elite, I feel no prestige from joining. I often walk around looking at people and wondering to myself...¨Is she in the club?¨...¨Or maybe her.¨
See, you can't tell from the outside. We wear no special shirt, or pin, or red hat. We are not distinguishable from anyone else. We look like everyone, and could be anyone. Unfortunately there are way too many of us out there.  Heartbroken warriors forced to continue on without our children.
I have decided to help with one organization where my fellow cub members are identified. I have signed up to start a team to ¨Walk like MADD¨ in Orange Park this fall. Then again in Tampa in March. We walk in order to raise funds for MADD. I received a letter from a victims representative a few weeks after Lauren died. It was only then that I confirmed that the driver who hit her car was indeed drunk.
So I am looking forward to meeting others in the ¨club¨. Ladies I have something in common with, even though it isn't the most positive attribute to share. I'm excited to contribute to MADD's cause as they do awesome work in the community. The only thing missing is Lauren, sure wish she was here to help.