Do you have any children?

     Such an innocent question. Adults are often asked this very question in the course of getting to know one another or even in simple conversation. For some who perhaps have been struggling to become parents this question can be difficult. For others who may be experiencing trouble in the relationship with their child it may cause anxiety or even anger. But for me, when someone asks this question it evokes sheer panic. I simply do not know what to say.
     Now anyone who knows me, whether it be for 5 minutes or a lifetime, knows that I am rarely, if EVER at a loss for words. So please understand clearly the foreign territory in which I now travel. I mean, I get this deer in the headlights look and I honestly don't know how to answer.
     This happened to me at a training today. I had already established myself as the "vocal" one of the group (what's new) and the cut up. We are learning a new method for running IEP meetings. Part of today's process included fictional students for whom we were to role play this new approach in a fake meeting. The first student of the day was named Kevin. The entire process was demonstrated and discussed and then we broke for lunch.
     Upon return from lunch we were presented with the next student who was named...wait for it...Kimberly. I couldn't resist pointing out to the facilitator that my husband's name is Kevin. I said that everyone there could vouch for me, remember I am already known as a cut up, and I was being completely honest. I teased him and said that I was thrilled that the whole day had been about my family and that I appreciated the notoriety. Everyone was chuckling and enjoying the moment and then the facilitator said...
"Do you have any children?"
SCREECH!!!! Everything came to a halt.
     Holy crap, I don't know how to answer that. So I stammered and hemmed and hawed growing more uncomfortable by the moment and then worried about making him uncomfortable too. And then everyone answered for me...
"YES...you can say yes. You have a child!"
     Here's the thing folks...no...no I don't. Not anymore. I did, and she was amazing, but she's gone. Don't get me wrong...I love my step children, two from my previous marriage and my current step daughter, but they are not my children. My former step kiddos are grown and my current step daughter already has two wonderful parents and my role in her life is not that of a mother.
     I know my colleagues, most of whom I consider friends, meant well but I struggle with this question every day. I dread, absolutely fear it being asked because I don't know what to say. And this is why...if I say "yes", the natural progression of the conversation is to then inquire more.
     "Oh, how many kids?", "A boy or a girl?", "How old?", "Oh, is she in school?", "What is she majoring in?"...etc., etc.
     Answering the additional questions is almost as, if not more, heartbreaking than being honest with the first one. So forgive me when I don't take the advice of many and just say "yes". Unfortunately it just isn't that simple. It seems, as days go on, that nothing is quite as simple as it was.
     I used to relish being asked if I had children...hell, I usually told people before they had a chance to ask, whether they wanted to know or not. My answers were different then. I was so proud!
     "I have a daughter", "She's 19", "Yes, she is in school at South Florida State College and plays on their softball team as a pitcher and she is awesome!", "She is majoring in education and wants to teach kindergarten. She told me she wants to teach the little kids cuz they're so cute how can anyone ever get mad at them...I said we'd chat after her first year."
     Of course the wonderful and sweet facilitator from today was mortified and apologized profusely but I was not upset with him in the least. I was unhappy with my own response to the question that I know I will be faced with forever. I guess I don't need to have all of the solutions now...today. But I wish it would get just a little easier soon. Just a little.