I drive, alone in my car, and think of all the eloquent ways to describe the way I feel. I think of how I could describe the feeling as being like walking along the edge of a deep, black abyss and feeling like I might fall in, disappearing forever. And sometimes I wonder if I would be OK with that.
Or I could write about how at times I hunger for her presence like someone who is starving but can only be satisfied by one thing..and it is something they cannot have. No one else can satiate me...no one. And this is no poor reflection on the company I keep for I love them all. My husband, family, friends. I have the best. But they're not her, no one is.
I could write poetically about the emptiness of my heart, the ache of my soul, the anguish of waking to my new harsh reality. And I could talk about my faith and how it keeps me going, day after day. How I thank God everyday for keeping me strong enough to go on.
All of this would be interesting and emotional to read but here's the thing, and it is rather simple actually...I miss her. Nothing fancy, not really eloquent but the easiest way to describe how I feel. I just miss my daughter. I miss talking to her, I miss hugging her. I miss her laugh, her smile, her softball games, her screw ups that I needed to fix and her victories that made me proud. I miss being mad at her, sad with her, listening to her cry, listening to her bitch. I miss her chewed finger nails and her crazy red hair. I miss her stinky feet. I miss her stories and her lies. I miss her messy room and dirty laundry on the floor. I miss finding the peanut butter jar in her room with a spoon stuck inside. I miss my hair brush being gone when I need it. I miss her holding my hand and snuggling with me on the couch. I miss her begging me to watch stupid clips on You Tube promising to show me only one and then it turns into like 10, or more, because "wait, wait...the next one is even funnier"
I just miss her...simple, yet not.
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