Not Because She's Gone

 

     I have to say that the response to my blog has been extremely overwhelming and I am completely humbled by it all. I started this site purely for selfish reasons because I needed a place to be able to get my feelings out. I also didn't want to have to tell everyone the story over and over again...it hurt too much.
     Never did I dream that so many people would consider it helpful to them. I just speak honestly, from the heart...however damaged and fragile it may now be. And some people call me their inspiration. Wow...I totally don't deserve that title.
     But it got me thinking and this is the thing, I am the way I am not because Lauren is gone...but because she was here. Because God so blessed me to become her mom 20 years ago, even though I had no good sense and no plan. Because I knew she was always watching and I never wanted to let her down. This is why I am who I am.
     I promise I am not as together as some may perceive me to be. I cry...a lot. And I snap at people now more than I ever have before. Really cranky at times. I forget stuff that I should remember...and remember stuff I wish I could forget.
     Just because I am able to go through the motions every day doesn't mean I am strong. It means I am stubborn maybe. Too stubborn to give up on this thing called life. Occasionally I consider the alternative. What would happen if I gave up? If I just crawled into my bed one night and never got back out. Slept as much as possible because sleep offers reprieve. What would that do?
     And I always conclude that it will only make things worse...much worse. When I spoke to a counselor during my divorce years ago, I shared with her that I had often thought about having a nervous breakdown but my schedule was always too busy to fit it in. She informed me that the fact that I was attempting to rationally plan for my nervous breakdown indicated I really didn't need to have one. Apparently people who have one just do it...who knew?
     So, although I am extremely flattered by the kind words I really am mostly a mess. I keep moving forward because I certainly don't want to go back and relive recent events. I make it through each day because of God's grace and sheer will. And I continue to want to make Lauren proud because I honestly believe she is still watching. Therefore I am still the person I am because she was here...and what a true blessing she was.