Christmas 2 without You

This year the holidays have been much more difficult to handle than last year. I'm not really sure why, but as always I try to rationalize it. I think it might be because last year I knew more people were watching to see how I coped. Therefore I felt compelled to put up a better front. This year more time has gone by, less people are "watching" and I think I just feel more lonely than ever. I'm surrounded by wonderful people who love me so that's not the problem. It really is difficult to explain.
My creative juices were flowing earlier today and I wrote a poem. It is my feeble attempt to express what I'm feeling.

Another Christmas without You

 

 

Christmas without you again this year

Still makes no sense to me at all

My heart is low on joy and cheer

And it seems that endless tears fall

 

You have a seat that makes you able

To celebrate Jesus's birth up close

But I only see the empty chair at my table

And the hole in our Christmas card pose

 

It is so hard to explain to those who don't know

What it's like to miss someone like you

It's nearly impossible for me to show

The pain my heart has gone through

 

Every day of the year is hard without you

But the holidays make it even tougher

To be with family and do what we always do

With a vital piece missing...so I suffer

 

I attempt to present a happy face

And smile at the celebration

I force myself to keep up the pace

And appear full of jubilation

 

But the truth is I want nothing more

Than to see your face, take you in my arms

Have you come bounding in through the door

Full of life, laughs and many charms

 

You won't be here for Christmas this year

Or the next, or ever in this Earthly life

So every carol and tiding I hear

Will always cause my heart some strife

 

I truly miss you my precious daughter

While in this world I always will

Until I hold you again with our Heavenly Father

And finally whisper..."I love you"...still.

Alone in a Crowded Room

Lately I have had the overwhelming feeling of being lonely. Now this doesn't make rational sense as I am surrounded by people most of the time. I have loved ones at home, wonderful friends at work and brothers and sisters in Christ at church. Yet I sometimes have waves of loneliness that take my breath away.
In the past I would attempt to "think" my way out of feeling things that I believed were useless or didn't make sense. For example, when I went through my divorce and was thoroughly convinced that no man would ever love me again. Why not? Because Ray didn't love me and he was the only person in the world I wanted to love me. So if I couldn't make him love me how would anyone else? I would beat myself up all the time for feeling this way. Looking back...I just needed to feel it and move on.
Therefore I plan to do things differently this time. I know it makes no sense to feel alone when there are people all around me...but I do. It's because the one person I want to be here is not.
Lauren and I shared a collective memory that cannot be duplicated with anyone else. Although I have some family memories that have a common thread with Ray, Donnie and Lauren Michelle, I have many more that are unique to just Lauren and me. Inside jokes, secret looks or code words only she and I understand.
People are often more shocked at my loss of Lauren when they find out she was my only child...by birth of course. I have tended to discount this as being any more detrimental than any mother losing a child regardless of her having more children remaining.
But lately as I struggle with feeling alone, it is difficult to not wonder if it is because Lauren was my only child. After my divorce we had many years alone together, just the two of us. I have no other children who shared those years who can offer any reminiscence of family experiences. There is no one else now...just me.
I still don't know why Lauren had to go...continues to blow my mind and break my heart. She is gone and I am here, alone.

Letter to Lauren

I have been thinking lately about how desperately I desire to speak to my Lauren again. I have contemplated what I would say to her if she were to suddenly reappear. Well...I know that isn't going to happen but decided I would write her a letter anyway. I don't think the USPS delivers to Heaven but if it did...this is what I would send.
    
Dear Lauren,
          My precious sweetgirl I want to start by saying I miss you...terribly. I miss too many things to list. Your smile, your laugh, your way of ending words with "uh" when you're frustrated and whining, your piles of dirty clothes, your car that looks like a closet, your pitching, your insistence that I watch video after silly video on YouTube, and "snuggle tummy"...just to name a few. But, niceties aside, why in the world did you have to come home after your softball game that night? Baby girl, I would have gone with you the next day to visit your step sis and new baby in the hospital. Why the rush? I am mad at you...I really am. I still can't believe you left me here. Don't you remember that all of my plans and aspirations included you? My hard work is to provide for you. My retirement was to be spent spoiling your babies. I wanted to watch you teach kindergarteners...you know, the kids too cute for you to get mad at. And I definitely wanted to say "I told you so" when you realized you can indeed get mad at them. I feel robbed. Totally cheated out of the fun, frustration, disappointments, joys, and adventures of the rest of YOUR life.
          Now I have no doubt that you are just fine. Living it up in paradise and without a care at all. Which brings me to another point. I cannot believe you went and did this without checking with me first. You asked my advice for everything. If you had asked me ahead of time whether or not I thought it was a good idea for you to die...I would have said ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I mean seriously you pain in my butt, it really was a bone headed move.
          But, what's done is done. Can't change it now. Just know that I think about you all the time. I cry about you often, but mostly when I'm by myself. I also smile when I remember the crazy times and even laugh out loud at some memories. I'm still mad...but I love you forever. Tell Jesus and everyone else up there I said "Hey" and keep enjoying the afterlife baby. I'll get there when I can. Kinda up to the Big Guy so we will both have to wait. I miss you very much.

Love,
Mom

Longing for Lauren

     I spent this past weekend at the beach with my friend Sandie. I also spent a lot of time thinking about Lauren. I think of her almost all of the time anyway...but this weekend provided many reminders.
     Thursday, prior to leaving for the beach, I received a package at my office. Inside I found a book and a 2 page typed letter from a colleague of mine. The sender of the package is a social worker at one of my middle schools. I had only been in my current position for 2 months when I lost Lauren so suddenly and tragically and had not conducted any meetings at his school up to that point. Therefore he did not know me well...or at all...when Lauren died.
     His letter opened by telling me that he had heard about Lauren's passing at the time it happened but having not really met me yet, he had not reached out to me then. He talked about a meeting after which I spoke about Lauren. Oh how I love to still talk about my beautiful daughter.
     His letter went on to share with me some very devastating events from his own past. My eyes brimmed with tears as I read his words. How wonderful was it for him to share such things with me? I cannot explain how grateful I am to have received such a personal note out of the blue.
     Then, upon arrival at the condo on the beach, I received a private message on Facebook from a high school friend. We hadn't spoken since attending school together, but reconnected through a common friend on the social network. Her message was so sweet, stating that she remembered me from school as being fun, funny and having a great laugh. This made me smile. She went on to write that once she viewed my page she had another realization. She informed me that she had been in attendance at Bell Shoals Baptist Church on Easter morning and had watched my video. I was flattered when she said that my testimony had touched many lives.
     Saturday night, Sandie and I were eating dinner at a restaurant near the beach where we were spending the weekend. The TV was showing professional arm wrestling. She and I laughed as I reminded her that our elementary school students loved to try to coax us into arm wrestling challenges. Upon glancing at the TV at one point in the evening, I noticed that the sister of one of the competitors was named Lauren. It gave me brief pause, as seeing her name always does. About 10 or 15 minutes later, I glanced at the TV again. This time the screen showed a different woman, the wife of another competitor and yes, her name too was Lauren. Now it had my attention. I couldn't help but think that MY Lauren was there with us.
     The next morning, as we were packing and tidying up the condo, I had the TV turned onto a remodeling show. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard the narrator introduce the couple and...you guessed it...the woman's name was Lauren. This time I just had to smile, and laugh, then cry a little. All of the reminders are bittersweet and produce feelings that are a mixture of nostalgia, peace, joy, pain, longing and loss....all rolled up in one wave of emotions.
     I guess it will be like this for the rest of my days, these unexpected messages from others and maybe some from Lauren. I do relish in them and do not want them to stop. I just wish they didn't serve as a reminder that my precious daughter is not here.

Quality vs. Quantity

     Last week I was referred to a cardiologist by my primary care physician due to my heart's ejection fraction being too low. To explain in layman's terms, your heart expels a certain percentage of the blood within its left ventricle with every pump. Normal rates are between 55 and 70%. A rate between 40 and 55% indicates some previous damage to the heart. Any rate below 40% can mean that you are experiencing heart failure. Mine was 39%.
     My immediate thought was...."So...I LITERALLY have a broken heart?" You have got to be kidding me!" But as I await my appointment with the cardiologist, I evaluate my situation more deeply. First, I hope that the machine at my primary care physician's office gave a false reading and all of this concern is for naught. It could happen...right?
     I also ponder the fact that every ailment my parents have experienced, including my father's current chronic heart failure, seems to plague me and not my two older sisters. It's as if they scraped together the last of the genetic "stuff" they both had and made me. Maybe they should have stopped with two! But they did give me all of the "good looks" genes so I guess it balances out. By the way, my sisters love when I say that.
     What I really have been contemplating is how do I really feel about my health and my future? Like I have said before, I don't plan to harm myself nor do I want anything to happen that would end my days. Yet when faced with the possibility of serious health problems I wonder what is more important, quality of years or quantity?
     I miss my daughter more than words can express and it grows everyday. I am anxious to be with her again. My life here on this earth sometimes causes me to pause and think what am I doing all of this for? At this stage of my life I should be looking forward to working hard and retiring to spend time with my grandbabies...of whom now Lauren is not here to give me.
     But I do still have my stepdaughter, McKenzie. Although I love her dearly, my relationship with her and with her future children is not the same as it was and would have been with Lauren and her children. McKenzie has her own mother to rely on when she has questions with her future babies. She isn't going to call me like Lauren would have. I will only be able to enjoy McKenzie's children somewhat peripherally.
     So, with all of this going on I simply pray. I pray that God will continue to guide me through this confusing time and that He will show me my true purpose. Why is my Lauren gone but I am still here? What is it you need me to do? Because some days I really struggle to understand. In the meantime I will go to the doctor and make the lifestyle changes I am certain will be recommended. Even though I am not thrilled with the possibility of a large quantity of years left in this world, I suppose it would be wise to make the ones I have left the best quality they can be.

Living Legacy

     As my journey through this life without my daughter continues I am sometimes caught off guard by a totally unexpected emotional response to a typically unassuming event. I become weepy and nostalgic when something happens to remind me of yet another facet of my broken heart that I had not even considered. And I know this will continue to happen...forever.
     I attended a retirement party for a friend and colleague last Friday afternoon. It was an awesome occasion with tasty food, great friends and many laughs. I was having a wonderful time listening to all of the speakers singing the praises of my most deserving friend as she was celebrating retirement after serving in education for 35+ years.
     Then it was time for her family, more specifically her children to speak. And it hit me like a Mack truck...I will not have my Lauren with me when I retire. She won't be there to speak for me, or tease me, or cry with me. I sat in my chair trying to hold back my tears. Luckily many others were getting choked up too as my friend's daughter's speech was a tear jerker and therefore my tears blended in.
     I know I must sound terribly selfish. Here I am at someone else's celebration and all I can focus on is my loss and how it will continue to impact my life. I hate that this happens but it is all just so final, my daughter being gone. So absolute and so complete.
     Then a former principal, with whom my friend once worked, stood and spoke about what a wonderful teacher my friend's daughter is also. She then informed my friend that she should be proud because her legacy lives on in her daughter. I honestly do not know what kept me from sliding right under the table at that point. I want to watch my daughter teach kindergarten. I want a living legacy.
     There I go being selfish again but really...it is truly disheartening to think about the future sometimes. Most days I move along without "incident". But then all of a sudden...WHAM, something hits me. I did suck it up, put on a bright smile, and enjoyed the rest of the evening in honor of my friend. I just wish this grief stuff came with instructions. I only have one...PRAY. And I do, often.

 

 

One Year, and One Day Ago

     Today is the one year anniversary of the day my precious daughter was taken from me tragically. One year and one day ago life was so wonderful. My new marriage was thriving, Lauren and my stepdaughter McKenzie were starting to really bond, I had just returned to a position with the school system that I love, and the rest of my family was healthy and happy as well. One year and one day ago I had no idea what was in store for me.
     Then that last day passed, the last day my Lauren was here. It was a really terrific day and for that I am thankful. Lauren played softball, the game she loved and worked so hard to become a part of once again. Kevin and I enjoyed sitting in the stands with my dad on a beautiful evening to watch Lauren and her teammates on the field. Lauren's other stepsister gave birth to a healthy baby girl that night too. What a special day...I only wish I knew it was the last.
     I often wonder if I would have done anything differently had I known what was about to happen. I don't think I would have, with one exception. I would have held Lauren in my arms and not let her go. I don't mean figuratively, I mean literally not let her go.
     Hold her and not let her say goodbye. Hold her and not let her walk away. Hold her and not let her get on the bus. Hold her and just...never...let...go!
     But that isn't realistic is it? We have to let our children go. We have to set them free. That's what growing up is all about. And it is wonderful to watch, your child maturing and making wise choices. Sitting back and thinking "Well all be darned, she WAS listening."
     One year ago, well, all the days before, I was really enjoying the opportunities that came up to enjoy the fruits of my labor. With every responsible decision Lauren made I was provided a brief glimpse into her future. A future destined to be awesome.
    But one year ago was a different day...it was the first day without her. The first day of a new life. The first day of what would become my new existence. My new identity. A mother without her child. A woman with a hole in her heart. A wife in mourning. A friend in need.
     This year has been a journey for sure. I have traveled through my deepest grief, my darkest sorrow, and have lived every parent's biggest fear. And on the other side of the abyss I have emerged stronger in my faith, more conscious of the impact of my actions and intensely focused on what really matters in life. Although my joy is somewhat tainted and my laughter not as bright as it used to be, I keep moving forward. And I thank God everyday. Everyday brings me one day closer to eternity with my Lauren, praise the Lord!

Driving Down Memory Lane

     I decided to spend one of my days off during spring break visiting some of the places I spent the most time with Lauren as she grew up. Although it was tough, it was also very therapeutic at the same time. I have so many wonderful memories from her childhood. As I have said before, how lucky was I to get to be her mom? Totally lucky!
     The first place I went by was the house in Lakeland Ray and I moved into a few weeks after we were married in February of 1996. Lauren was not even 2 years old yet. We had a great deal of fun in that house. I remember feeling so grown up but looking back, I was just a kid myself.
     One of the funniest memories from our first house in Lakeland was when we were potty training Lauren at the same time we were housebreaking a Jack Russell puppy. Somehow the wires of communication got crossed at one point because I caught Lauren pooping in the flower bed just outside our front door. I wasn't sure if I was more mortified that my kid took a crap in the front yard or terrified that she got out the front door without me hearing her. Wow...good times.
   Another time, when my mom was over visiting, Lauren made an escape out the front door again. Hmmmm....maybe I wasn't a great mother after all. Nonetheless, the next thing we know she comes in crying with a huge handprint on her bare bottom. She was sniffling and snotting and I was trying to make out what she was saying. All my mom and I could understand was "Daddy pank me". Ray came in and asked if I was aware that our daughter was out riding her tricycle in the cul-de-sac with only a shirt on? He had come home from work to discover this lovely activity going on. Again, life was never dull with Lauren.
     My next stop for the day was the daycare where Lauren attended and I worked to help with the expense as I was finishing my bachelor's degree. I would drop Lauren off in the morning and go to my classes then return in the afternoon to work as the p.m. supervisor. A great, yet another scary, memory from her daycare was the time Lauren was hit by a car. Calm down, let me explain. We were leaving at the end of the day and Lauren stopped halfway through the parking lot. She was trying to get the wrapper off of a piece of candy her teacher had given her. I didn't notice she had stopped and neither did my coworker who was slowly, thank God, backing her car out of its parking space. Her rear bumper smacked Lauren on the back of the head and knocked her to the ground. Luckily my coworker had her window down and heard the commotion and stopped. I raced over to make sure Lauren was alright. Fear gripped my throat as I saw her face down. She stood up, pointed at the candy on the ground, and started crying..."My candy. I dropped my candy." Good grief!!!
     I then went to the practice field where Lauren spent two seasons cheering for the Lakeland Gators. I remembered the time her squad was treated to a little bit of practice time with the high school aged girls. I sat and watched as the girls lined up to get a turn doing stunts with the older girls. I noticed that a little girl on Lauren's squad kept butting in front of the other girls to get more turns. I got angrier and angrier. Here's the thing, this little twit was already a "top" or "flyer" on her own squad. My "sturdy" Lauren was of course a base. She never had the opportunity to see what it was like to be the top. So, once I reached my limit and couldn't take it anymore, I showed my tail. I marched over to the group of high school girls and informed them, not so kindly, that if they lifted the little girl who was butting in front of everyone else ONE MORE time, there was going to be a problem. I might have let my girl get out the front door from time to time but DO NOT mess with her!!! As we rode home that evening after practice, Lauren informed me that she really didn't like being up top. Too scary. Well...I was still glad I made it happen for her so she had the opportunity to form her opinion on the whole thing. Totally worth it.
     My next stop was our second house in Lakeland, on Lake Bonny. The new owners have painted it a strange color somewhere between pink and peach and built a detached garage in the front yard, but the memories are still there. Lauren and I commuted to school all the way back in Brandon each day from that house. I often regretted that Lauren didn't attend school with the other kids in the neighborhood but she never complained. We spent time boating on the lake, riding our bikes to Taco Bell and around Lake Mirror in downtown Lakeland. We owned a pet prairie dog in this house, Princess. Lauren learned to ride a real bike here too, no training wheels. We laughed here, and cried here. All memories I will always have.
     The last stop for the day was a park on Lake Ariana in Auburndale. One summer Ray, the kids and I went out early every Saturday morning to secure a pavilion before they all filled up. Four other couples from our church, along with their kiddos, would come out from Brandon to meet us. We would spend the day boating, tubing, jet skiing, and cooking out. That was truly a wonderful summer. All of the kids were within 2-3 years of the same age and got along really well. The grown ups were not as fortunate about getting along in the long run. The final couple out of the five divorced last year. Sad really.
     Today I cried...a lot. But I also smiled and even laughed out loud, alone in my car a few times. Raising my sweet little Lauren was such a pleasure. Of course there were challenges but I wouldn't trade a single minute, not one!

First house in South Lakeland
 

Formerly

Love n Learn Child Care Center



Club House at practice field for Lakeland Gators
 

Second house in Lakeland on Lake Bonny
  

Pavilion at Lake Ariana Park

Was I not Listening?

     As I have felt called to share my testimony regarding surviving the loss of my daughter, I am also riddled with other feelings. A persistent question that plagues me is why did this have to be my story? Why did it take losing my daughter to compel me to witness to others about Jesus? Was God asking me to use my talents for His glory before but I wasn't listening?
     I openly admit that I am a "control freak". I am an over achiever, doer, closer, and overall get it done girl. I can say with total sincerity that when something as out of control as suddenly and tragically losing your only child occurs in the life of a control freak, it is catastrophic. Not that I am minimizing an event like this happening in anyone else's life, but I am attempting to express that my natural tendency in life is to fix things. Control, correct, fix, make things happen. And I could do absolutely nothing to bring my daughter back...nothing. She is gone, end of story.
     So, as God continues to work in my life and I pray to create great things from my grief, I sometimes become angry. Yes, angry at God and mostly angry at myself. I think "God, why couldn't you have ME get in an accident as a wake up call? Was I so stubborn that you had to take my daughter to make me realize you are in control? Really?"
     I miss Lauren so much, everyday. Do I continue to function in life? Of course. That's what type A's do...keep on moving forward. I pray that my story will help others in some way. I do selfishly wish my story was different, that it included my daughter still being here with me.
     But, God has a bigger plan that I feel He is only beginning to reveal to me. I ask that others pray for me that I will continue to seek His guidance and understand His intention for my life. I really am listening now.

Sharing my message

     Ever since losing my precious daughter, God has been increasingly present in my life. His faithfulness has been unwavering through this most difficult time of grief and sorrow. He has comforted me, reassured me, calmed me, inspired me and loved me. Now of course He had done all of these things prior to Lauren's accident, but I think perhaps I took it for granted, as many of us do.
     For the last couple of months, God has begun to do something else in my life. He has started to compel me to share my story. He has been laying heavily on my heart...encouraging me to reach as many people as possible.
     Why? Because, people have to know. They have to know that the only reason I can continue on is because of the things I know. Through my faith in my God I know these to be true.
     One...death is NOT the end. As believers we have a place prepared and waiting for us in Heaven. "Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going." John 14: 1-4
     Two...I will see my Lauren again. I only know this because I have intimate knowledge of her salvation and I am also saved through the blood of Jesus, the only way to come to God.
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 4:16
   And three...God's grace and love keep me moving forward. I miss my daughter, everyday. Some mornings it is God's strength and sheer will that get me up. Oh how I would love to just stay under the covers tucked securely in my bed, not wanting to face the cruel, cruel world. But this is not the path for me. I can't just give up and remain stuck in my grief. Mine is truly a grief with hope. Without that hope it would be paralyzing.  My favorite verse that is helping me so much is...
1 Thessalonians 4: 13-14 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.  We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
     As I have been praying the last few months for God to show me what He would have me do, I have been actively seeking out ways to become more involved in my church. I figured what better place for God to reveal His plan for me. About a month ago my pastor presented a sermon about discipleship. The message kept weighing on my heart as I thought more and more about what I could do to share my testimony.
     I finally made an appointment to go and speak with my pastor individually. My plan was to share my story of tragic loss and renewed hope and ask my pastor to pray with me. I would ask that we pray for God to reveal to my pastor a time, if there came a time, that my tale could assist with a sermon. Accentuate and add more punch to the message.
     Now I fully expected to share my story and have the pastor listen nicely and maybe I would hear from him later...much later. Instead, he commenced to run through some upcoming sermons (all great pastors plan ahead) and contemplating where my story could possibly fit. "My message here is....and then the next Sunday it is....no, it wouldn't go well there. But maybe...."
     After thinking it through a bit, my pastor came to the conclusion that my story would best fit on...wait for it...EASTER SUNDAY! Yikes!! Only one of the largest attendance days in most churches, and ours is no exception. Since the message is about overcoming the grave, what better time to hear the testimony of a mother who had to put her daughter in the grave yet continues to grow and move forward with God?
     He asked if I would be willing to come in to meet with the media department to tape my story. He took down my information, including days and times that work. Again, I expected to hear from the church at some later time. I thanked him for visiting and praying with me and went home.
     The very next night, while working the information counter following Wednesday night church dinner, my pastor's secretary approached the desk. She had a business card in her hand with two upcoming dates and times that the media department is prepared for me to come in and tape my story. WOW...I thought, this guy isn't messing around. I wasn't clear on whether I meant my pastor or God, but either way, things were quickly set in motion.
     So...this leads me to ask all of you to pray for me. Pray that I can adequately share how special, funny, gregarious, charming and wonderful my Lauren was in life and how blessed I have been because of God's grace since her death. Pray that my message is potent and will help lead others to the Lord Jesus, for that is the only way to have eternal life. Oh, and pray that I don't look too fat on the big screen, it's a really big screen....thanks so much =)