Staying MADD

     I have now attended two MADD sponsored events; a fundraising walk in Jacksonville and a holiday candlelighting vigil last night in Tampa. As I sit and observe the participants in this rather unique group of people, I have drawn some conclusions. I call them the "D"s of drunk driving.
     One, drunk driving does not discriminate. Families, friends, survivors and victims of drunk driving come in all shapes, sizes and colors. All walks of life are represented here. Drunk driving is not some back alley, secret, stigmatized issue that only effects a certain group of people and therefore is ignored by others. No...it can, and does, impact everyone.
     This horrible act, drunk driving, dictates. It unwittingly dictates which individuals will enter into a group of fellow survivors and this group is like no other. We are actually quite a pitiful sight...with so much discernable pain, easy for even the most casual observer to see. We cry. Some of us are angry. But above all, we are broken. Broken hearted, broken in spirit, broken in life. Some have repaired the brokeness to a certain degree while others wear their's on their sleeves...open, raw, obvious.
     Drunk driving also devastates. I listened last night with tears rolling down my face as a survivor recalled her accident and the life she has "lived" for the two years since it took place. She spoke of the mulitude of broken bones in her body, most of which are now replaced with metal rods. She spoke of the inordinate amount of time and energy she has had to dedicate to learning how to walk again, talk again. She has endured 32 surgeries...and isn't done yet. And I sat there in my church pew and thought..."Did God spare my Lauren from all of this by taking her home to His side swiftly?" While another part of me wished that could have been my Lauren up there talking to the crowd. Last night's speaker said it perfectly when she informed the crowd that although she survived, she lost her "life" the night of her accident. And it drastically changed the life of her family and friends, forever.
     These are the reasons we must designate a safe driver every time we consider getting behind the wheel after drinking. Drunk driving is not some disease for which researchers are feverishly working to identify a cure. There is a cure...don't do it! Call a cab, call the many programs available through organizations like AAA. Call a friend, call a family member...call ME! Just don't get on the road.
     In order to reduce the injuries and fatalities caused by drunk driving, we all must continue to disseminate the message. Talk to others about options to ensure everyone arrives home safely. Increase training of vendors and stress the important role they play in saving lives. They cannot continue to serve alcohol to inebriated patrons and look the other way as they leave. Encourage them to get a ride.
     If we all stick together, we can save lives. We will always remember those who have already suffered great loss. But to create a world where this group of ecclectic, sorrowful mouners slowly becomes smaller over time because no new "members" are required to join...that would be a wonderful place to be.
    

Giving Thanks

    

     As the first Thanksgiving without Lauren has come and gone I am humbled. Despite the extremely obvious deficit in my daily existence without my daughter here with me, I still have so many things to be thankful for.
     I am thankful that I met a man 3 years ago and fell in love with him. I am blessed that he fell in love with me too and asked me to be his wife. He has been such a support to me these past eight months. I honestly could not have kept moving forward without him.
     I am thankful for a wonderful career and awesome coworkers. I am thankful for a nice vehicle and the capability to always fill its tank with fuel when necessary. I am thankful for my beautiful home, sweet and loving pets, and refrigerator full of food. I am thankful for my great health. Although I need to shed a "few" pounds, I am still healthy.
     I am thankful for the best family around. Even though we fuss at each other at most holiday events, we love each other deeply. I am thankful for parents who loved my Lauren completely even though they were not thrilled with the manner in which she came into our lives. I am blessed to have two sisters who also loved and cherished my daughter as if she had been their own child.
     I am thankful that God blessed my Lauren with a talent that she loved and I enjoyed watching...YEA SOFTBALL!! I am thankful that I was able to provide for my daughter through some really lean years financially. I am blessed that I was able to manage to make it work for her to attend college away from home, she loved it.
     I am thankful that God placed His healing hands on my little girl when she had meningitis when she was only 4...it gave me more time with her. I am blessed that he helped guide me to keep her safe through all illnesses and close calls in her life.
     I am thankful that although disaster struck, it came at a time when Lauren and I were in a "good place" and not in the midst of a petty argument or irrelevant spat. I praise God that my daughter said "I love you mom" not once but twice the very night of her fateful accident. I am eternally thankful that I raised her to be a hugger and therefore I got two sweaty hugs that night too.
     I am thankful that God blessed me with the precious gift of a healthy baby girl 20 years ago. I am thankful that I was the mother of the funniest, most charming, tenderhearted, generous, beautiful, gregarious girl I have ever known. How lucky was I? Because although she is no longer here with me, I was blessed to have had Lauren at all...some are not so fortunate.

If he had survived...

     I often wonder just how far my compassion would have gone had the drunk driver who killed my daughter survived. Could I have forgiven him? Do I still need to even though he is gone?
     I am fortunate, strange to say I know, to have been spared a long trial hearing detail after detail of the worst day of my entire life. I wasn't subjected to looking into the face of the man who ripped from my life its purest joy. Never once did I have to hear his voice as he made some feeble attempt to defend his actions of that fateful night. Although I never have and never will desire for anyone to lose his or her life in a tragic way, I thank God that I was blessed to avoid additional torment and misery that would have come from the aftermath had my daughter's killer lived.
     My heart goes out to any family that must live through such a traumatic experience. I believe it would be extremely difficult to feel that any consequence could ever be harsh enough, any sentence long enough and certainly any amount of monetary compensation large enough. What could ever replace the loss of my precious daughter? Nothing.

Boots with a Bonus

     So, I decided to wear my cowboy boots to work today. They are super cute, tan with brown hearts in the design. I planned to wear them with a tan maxi skirt, gold top, and brown cardigan. I had the entire outfit laid out on my bed, including jewelry. I hadn't worn my boots in a while because Lauren had borrowed them.  I retrieved them from her dorm room after the accident.
     I took my shower and started getting ready. I applied moisturizer, minimal make up,  put my hair up in a pony tail and twisted my bangs into place (they are too long to wear as bangs but too short to blend into the side of my hair do, so I pin them up for now). I sprayed perfume on my wrists, rubbed them together and then sat down in the chair by my bed to put on my boots.
     I shoved my left foot in first. It's my fat foot. I remember taking Lauren to buy shoes for Easter a couple of years ago. She wanted some really cute high heels but had struggled a bit to put the first one on. I asked her "Is that your fat foot?"....."I don't know"..."What do you mean you don't know, you always have to know which foot is your fat foot and try the shoe on that foot first. If it aint gonna fit your fat foot, then move on sister"...we laughed and laughed. Just one of the many practical life lessons I passed along to my daughter. So I always put shoes on my fat foot first and this morning was no exception.
     Everything worked out well and I went to put on the other boot. When I put my right foot into the boot I stopped. Something was in the boot making it impossible to fit my foot inside.  I pulled my foot back out and turned the boot upside down. Out fell a pair of panties...Domo panties of course.
     I had to pause, and smile. Leave it to my child to have a pair of Domo panties shoved inside a pair of cowboy boots. Then I cried a while. I wish the quirky surprises of Lauren could go on forever but I know they won't. I realize that eventually I will have discovered all the little surprises Lauren unintentionally left behind....just by being Lauren.
     I decided to keep the Domo panties...since they feature the Domo wearing glasses. I figure they can represent my intellectual side. I suppose keeping a pair of panties may be an odd way to honor my daughter but hey....this is my journey.

Frozen in Time

     It is truly sad to think about all of the future stages of life I will never see Lauren go through. I look at the beautiful pictures of her and I can vividly remember everything about her at the age she was when she died...but that is where it ends. She will be forever frozen in time at 19...almost 20 years old.
     I won't see her at 25 and graduating from college. Maybe in love and planning on getting married soon. I won't see her at 30, having taught kindergarten for five years and now married to her college sweetheart. I won't see her at about 33 pregnant with her first child and loving every aspect of it. She will never be 40, a mother of 2, happily married, teaching, and running her kiddos around town to little league and piano lessons.
    I will never receive a phone call from my 45 year old daughter seeking my advice because HER preteen daughter is driving her crazy. I will never get to chuckle into the phone as she rants about her daughter's messy room, lazy attitude, and social drama. But I would have loved to listen.
     I won't get to commiserate with my 50 year old daughter as she struggles to find even one thing she likes about her 15 year old son's girlfriends.....just ONE. She would have reminded me that all of her boyfriend's parents loved her. She would have been so exasperated with the whole thing. And again I would have laughed a little.
     I will never sit by her side at her children's sporting events, high school dance photo ops and graduations, or weddings. No, because in my mind and heart Lauren is only 19....forever 19. Seems like such a short amount of time compared to what she had left to do. No words can describe my disappointment.

Not Enough

     Now that my daughter is gone, I think of everything I wish I had more of. More pictures, more hugs, more times I told her "I love you", more laughs. Even though we had a ton of each of these, it's not enough.
     It is hard to have the foresight when you are in the moment (can't see the forest for the trees) but take it from me, you can never do too much. Never say wonderful things enough. Never hug too much and certainly never take too may pictures with your loved ones.
     I am so blessed to have many pictures with my beautiful Lauren. But now that I am faced with the devastating realization that I can never take more, there just aren't enough. Thank God I took pictures with her regardless of my hairstyle, or my outfit,  or my make-up (or lack thereof) or heaven forbid...my weight!
     Seize the moments you have now. Take in as much as you can, while you can. Life is so precious, and unpredictable. Hug your babies!!!

Where the green weeds grow....

     I went by to see Lauren yesterday evening, I am ashamed to admit that is has been quite a while since I have gone by. The start of the school year is a busy time and I have been really pooped after work lately. But I decided it had been too long and stopped by the cemetery.
     Lauren's site is completely covered in green. I can't call it grass because it is really weeds. I am not sure why but it made me cry when I saw it. Maybe because it gives her grave the appearance of having been there forever. Like it fits in now.
     When the earth was still freshly upturned and all I could see was dirt, it reminded me of the recentness of the event. It made me feel OK that I was still struggling emotionally because it was new...this life I now live.
     The green covering makes it seem like it has always been this way, my daughter in the ground. But it hasn't been that way, not at all. She was here and wonderful. So full of life and excited about everything. She was funny, and silly, and beautiful. She was cranky, and annoying, and exasperating at times. But she was here, the good and the bad was readily available and I really miss it all.
     Now she is so still...under the patchwork of greenery. So far, yet close in my heart. To anyone who visits her now it seems like she has always been in this place, but I know the truth. It is her life that is worth remembering, not her death.
     Although time goes by slowly, this is all so temporary compared to my time when I am reunited with her again. Dear Lord I am looking forward to that glorious day. Thank you Jesus for promising me a forever with my Lauren...thank you.