Year End Review...

     As 2014 comes to a close I can't say I am sad to see it go. This has honestly been the worst year of my entire life. What started off so promising instantly deteriorated into a hell on Earth.
     January brought about a job change for me. Actually, it was a return to a position I had held for years in the past, prior to my stint being a site-based school administrator. Not that I did not enjoy my time as a site administrator and assistant principal...I just came to the conclusion that the culmination of these positions, the Principal's chair, is not a place I want to sit. So I returned to a district level position with the exceptional student education department and have never looked back.
     Life was good, no... life was great. Lauren had returned to school and was reaping the rewards of her hard work the semester prior. She was now a recipient of a full softball scholarship which covered all classes, books, and even a meal on campus everyday. All I had to pay for second semester was her dorm.
     February and March were spent attending as many games as possible including those in Bradenton and Gainesville. I really hated to miss even one. Her team was struggling a little but Lauren was really coming into her own on the mound. Her confidence was growing and her skills were improving.
     Then Lauren Michelle, my step daughter from my past marriage, gave birth to a sweet and healthy baby girl. Lauren Elizabeth was so excited she could hardly stand it. She couldn't wait to be an aunt. Just one more thing going her way.
     Until 12:14 am on March 28. At that time it was all over. No more softball scholarship, no more school, no meeting her niece, no degree, no teaching kindergarten, nothing. In an instant it was all gone.
     And so the rest of the year continued on. Nothing seemed to matter. The new job lost its appeal, but so did everything else. It is a struggle everyday now. A struggle to care...about anything. I sometimes question why? Why work so hard, why try to get in better shape, why sleep, why wake?   
     As a parent you become accustomed to doing what you do for your kids. To provide for them and take care of them. I still have my stepdaughter McKenzie, but she has her dad and mom, I am really just a bystander. She doesn't need me, her parents are great.
     But here's the tricky thing...what option do I have but to go on? I have to continue to act like it's all OK. I have to force myself to get up everyday to go through the motions of what is expected of me...with work, family, friends. So I will ring in 2015 and gladly put this life altering year behind me.   
     My new year's resolution...just get through another year.

Merry Christmas to All

     It is 7:12 on Christmas morning and I am sitting on the couch alone. Kevin is in the kitchen puttering around, making French toast casserole and humming from time to time. Everyone else is still asleep. So I sit here and sip my coffee while looking through pictures on Facebook of friends and family celebrating this wonderful day.
     Yet my heart is heavy. I long for the pitter patter of little feet. I yearn to see my babies as little ones, slowly rubbing the sleepiness out of their eyes as they approach the Christmas tree. To see the look on their faces as they begin to register the treats that lay about, near and beneath the tree.
     See, if I could go back to when my babies were little, my Lauren would be here too. She would snuggle with me on the couch. She would say "Thank you mommy" for whatever prize I had surprised her with this year. She would laugh, and play, and eat and laugh some more.
     It seems so surreal...this first Christmas without my daughter. Peripherally, little has changed at all. Traditions continue. The processes and procedures that we just do, because we have always done them. All of the motion moves on...never pausing, never ceasing.
     And here I sit. I wish I could remain perfectly still and simply allow everything else just to go on around me. Can't I just be a silent observer this year? Isn't it ok for me to sit this one out?
     No, I can't just skip Christmas. That would not be fair. Not fair to the rest of my family, or to me. I will just have to push through. I will smile and I will laugh. I have become very skilled at appearing happy on the outside while broken on the inside.
     I will miss my Lauren today...I miss her everyday. I will close my eyes from time to time and picture Christmas mornings from the past, when she was here with me. I thank God for the times we had and the memories I keep forever. Happy Birthday Jesus...please give my baby girl the biggest piece of cake, she LOVES cake.

Christmas Cards

     Shortly after Kevin and I got married 2 years ago on September 1st,  I was so excited when December came around and it was time to take a family picture for our Christmas card. I was so proud of my new little family...Kevin, Lauren, McKenzie and me. We even let our pooches in on the fun. They are family too after all.
     Year one, 2012, we decided to all dress in jeans with red and white tops. Lauren did not have a red shirt she liked and asked if she could wear black instead with a white shirt over top. "Sure...no biggie. Your hair can be the red part of your outfit."
     We donned our Christmas apparel and my sister Beth came over to our house with her fancy camera to take the shots. After I insisted on many poses and multiple shots, everyone's patience with me was spent and the photo session was over.
     I ordered our Christmas cards from Walgreens. When Kevin and I picked up the copies, we laughed and laughed. Apparently the dogs both had shiny eyes from the flash. The answer was to apply a black-out application to cover up the shine. Well...that worked fine on KC, our Rhodesian Ridgeback mix who has big, beautiful brown eyes. But our yellow lab, Nellie, has pretty, light gold eyes. There in the middle of her light eyes sat a black dot. It made her look like a crazed beast. Considering she can be a bit rambunctious and a little crazy, we agreed to send the cards anyway.
     Year two we decided to be a little more formal. Red was the main color again for our tops and black was the agreed upon bottom color. This time it was McKenzie who asked to be a little different. She didn't have black pants to wear but had white. No problem...a little variety is the spice of life.
     Beth came again and this time everyone was well prepared for how neurotic I can be about taking enough pictures to chose from. Therefore they were a little bit more cooperative...a little. Even the dogs did better this time and no shiny eyes occurred requiring correction. Another beautiful Christmas card was created and sent to family and friends. And again...I was so proud of my family.
     Now Christmas time is here again. But my family looks very different. It is missing a key member of the group. Without Lauren, it just isn't the same. I originally planned to plow straight ahead and take pictures anyway but the closer it came to setting things up, I just couldn't do it. I even tried ordering ugly Christmas sweaters, thinking that if I made it funny it might help.
     It isn't that I am not still proud of my family...Kevin, McKenzie and even the pooches. But I don't think I am ready for a visual representation of Lauren's absence. I don't need a picture that puts the hole she has left in our family on blatant display.
     No...this year I will be sending traditional cards to my family and friends. The pictures may happen again in years to come. But this year we are going to sit it out.

Christmas Card 2012

Christmas Card 2013

Staying MADD

     I have now attended two MADD sponsored events; a fundraising walk in Jacksonville and a holiday candlelighting vigil last night in Tampa. As I sit and observe the participants in this rather unique group of people, I have drawn some conclusions. I call them the "D"s of drunk driving.
     One, drunk driving does not discriminate. Families, friends, survivors and victims of drunk driving come in all shapes, sizes and colors. All walks of life are represented here. Drunk driving is not some back alley, secret, stigmatized issue that only effects a certain group of people and therefore is ignored by others. No...it can, and does, impact everyone.
     This horrible act, drunk driving, dictates. It unwittingly dictates which individuals will enter into a group of fellow survivors and this group is like no other. We are actually quite a pitiful sight...with so much discernable pain, easy for even the most casual observer to see. We cry. Some of us are angry. But above all, we are broken. Broken hearted, broken in spirit, broken in life. Some have repaired the brokeness to a certain degree while others wear their's on their sleeves...open, raw, obvious.
     Drunk driving also devastates. I listened last night with tears rolling down my face as a survivor recalled her accident and the life she has "lived" for the two years since it took place. She spoke of the mulitude of broken bones in her body, most of which are now replaced with metal rods. She spoke of the inordinate amount of time and energy she has had to dedicate to learning how to walk again, talk again. She has endured 32 surgeries...and isn't done yet. And I sat there in my church pew and thought..."Did God spare my Lauren from all of this by taking her home to His side swiftly?" While another part of me wished that could have been my Lauren up there talking to the crowd. Last night's speaker said it perfectly when she informed the crowd that although she survived, she lost her "life" the night of her accident. And it drastically changed the life of her family and friends, forever.
     These are the reasons we must designate a safe driver every time we consider getting behind the wheel after drinking. Drunk driving is not some disease for which researchers are feverishly working to identify a cure. There is a cure...don't do it! Call a cab, call the many programs available through organizations like AAA. Call a friend, call a family member...call ME! Just don't get on the road.
     In order to reduce the injuries and fatalities caused by drunk driving, we all must continue to disseminate the message. Talk to others about options to ensure everyone arrives home safely. Increase training of vendors and stress the important role they play in saving lives. They cannot continue to serve alcohol to inebriated patrons and look the other way as they leave. Encourage them to get a ride.
     If we all stick together, we can save lives. We will always remember those who have already suffered great loss. But to create a world where this group of ecclectic, sorrowful mouners slowly becomes smaller over time because no new "members" are required to join...that would be a wonderful place to be.
    

Giving Thanks

    

     As the first Thanksgiving without Lauren has come and gone I am humbled. Despite the extremely obvious deficit in my daily existence without my daughter here with me, I still have so many things to be thankful for.
     I am thankful that I met a man 3 years ago and fell in love with him. I am blessed that he fell in love with me too and asked me to be his wife. He has been such a support to me these past eight months. I honestly could not have kept moving forward without him.
     I am thankful for a wonderful career and awesome coworkers. I am thankful for a nice vehicle and the capability to always fill its tank with fuel when necessary. I am thankful for my beautiful home, sweet and loving pets, and refrigerator full of food. I am thankful for my great health. Although I need to shed a "few" pounds, I am still healthy.
     I am thankful for the best family around. Even though we fuss at each other at most holiday events, we love each other deeply. I am thankful for parents who loved my Lauren completely even though they were not thrilled with the manner in which she came into our lives. I am blessed to have two sisters who also loved and cherished my daughter as if she had been their own child.
     I am thankful that God blessed my Lauren with a talent that she loved and I enjoyed watching...YEA SOFTBALL!! I am thankful that I was able to provide for my daughter through some really lean years financially. I am blessed that I was able to manage to make it work for her to attend college away from home, she loved it.
     I am thankful that God placed His healing hands on my little girl when she had meningitis when she was only 4...it gave me more time with her. I am blessed that he helped guide me to keep her safe through all illnesses and close calls in her life.
     I am thankful that although disaster struck, it came at a time when Lauren and I were in a "good place" and not in the midst of a petty argument or irrelevant spat. I praise God that my daughter said "I love you mom" not once but twice the very night of her fateful accident. I am eternally thankful that I raised her to be a hugger and therefore I got two sweaty hugs that night too.
     I am thankful that God blessed me with the precious gift of a healthy baby girl 20 years ago. I am thankful that I was the mother of the funniest, most charming, tenderhearted, generous, beautiful, gregarious girl I have ever known. How lucky was I? Because although she is no longer here with me, I was blessed to have had Lauren at all...some are not so fortunate.

If he had survived...

     I often wonder just how far my compassion would have gone had the drunk driver who killed my daughter survived. Could I have forgiven him? Do I still need to even though he is gone?
     I am fortunate, strange to say I know, to have been spared a long trial hearing detail after detail of the worst day of my entire life. I wasn't subjected to looking into the face of the man who ripped from my life its purest joy. Never once did I have to hear his voice as he made some feeble attempt to defend his actions of that fateful night. Although I never have and never will desire for anyone to lose his or her life in a tragic way, I thank God that I was blessed to avoid additional torment and misery that would have come from the aftermath had my daughter's killer lived.
     My heart goes out to any family that must live through such a traumatic experience. I believe it would be extremely difficult to feel that any consequence could ever be harsh enough, any sentence long enough and certainly any amount of monetary compensation large enough. What could ever replace the loss of my precious daughter? Nothing.

Boots with a Bonus

     So, I decided to wear my cowboy boots to work today. They are super cute, tan with brown hearts in the design. I planned to wear them with a tan maxi skirt, gold top, and brown cardigan. I had the entire outfit laid out on my bed, including jewelry. I hadn't worn my boots in a while because Lauren had borrowed them.  I retrieved them from her dorm room after the accident.
     I took my shower and started getting ready. I applied moisturizer, minimal make up,  put my hair up in a pony tail and twisted my bangs into place (they are too long to wear as bangs but too short to blend into the side of my hair do, so I pin them up for now). I sprayed perfume on my wrists, rubbed them together and then sat down in the chair by my bed to put on my boots.
     I shoved my left foot in first. It's my fat foot. I remember taking Lauren to buy shoes for Easter a couple of years ago. She wanted some really cute high heels but had struggled a bit to put the first one on. I asked her "Is that your fat foot?"....."I don't know"..."What do you mean you don't know, you always have to know which foot is your fat foot and try the shoe on that foot first. If it aint gonna fit your fat foot, then move on sister"...we laughed and laughed. Just one of the many practical life lessons I passed along to my daughter. So I always put shoes on my fat foot first and this morning was no exception.
     Everything worked out well and I went to put on the other boot. When I put my right foot into the boot I stopped. Something was in the boot making it impossible to fit my foot inside.  I pulled my foot back out and turned the boot upside down. Out fell a pair of panties...Domo panties of course.
     I had to pause, and smile. Leave it to my child to have a pair of Domo panties shoved inside a pair of cowboy boots. Then I cried a while. I wish the quirky surprises of Lauren could go on forever but I know they won't. I realize that eventually I will have discovered all the little surprises Lauren unintentionally left behind....just by being Lauren.
     I decided to keep the Domo panties...since they feature the Domo wearing glasses. I figure they can represent my intellectual side. I suppose keeping a pair of panties may be an odd way to honor my daughter but hey....this is my journey.