Intrusion of Death

Most mothers would say that they know their child's heart...in a theoretical way. I, on the other hand, know my daughter's heart literally. I know exactly how much it weighs, it's color and the condition of its interior. The state of Florida requires an autopsy be performed for all accidental deaths. Since receiving a copy of Lauren's autopsy report last week I am now privy to more details about her heart and other areas of her body than any mother ever needs to be.
Death keeps no secrets. There is no veil of protection from the most intimate details of a person's life once they are gone. Death requires those left behind to delve into all areas of their loved one's existence. Financial, health, recreation, friends, dreams....no area is left untouched.
I have lost loved ones in the past but have never been responsible for handling the "business" that comes following their passing. Never have I been within the generation who would need to take on such a role. Therefore I was not aware of how much time and effort goes into sorting out the affairs of someone you have lost.
As your children grow older their right to and need for privacy increases. After all, they are becoming young adults. When my daughter Lauren died I had to go and pack all of her belongings and remove them from her dorm room at school. Aside from functioning in a fog, as I was completing this task a mere week after her accident, I felt so intrusive. No drawer could be left unopened, no paper untouched. Every part of her room, her life, open to examination.
It isn't that I feared what I might find. I knew my child well. But I still believed that she had the right to parts of her life which were her own and not to be shared with me or anyone else unless she chose to do so. Yet in death nothing can be kept hidden. Everything is revealed. Her autopsy included a toxicology report. It came as no surprise to me that the only substance found in her blood was caffeine.
I made the mistake of opening Lauren's autopsy while in my office at work. I thought to myself "I already know what I know so how bad can it be?" Let me tell you...I did not know what I thought I knew. Although her death certificate had to list the cause of death and I had already processed that information, I was not aware of how much additional damage had been done to her precious body that fateful night.
I wept as I read the details of the injuries that had taken place as the car flipped multiple times finding its final resting place upside down beside the road. I prayed that her death had been swift and merciful upon impact and her injuries were unknown to and not felt by her that night. Please Dear Lord I hope my baby was not in pain.
After reading the report I think back and am extremely thankful that I was able to see Lauren and say good bye. It was truly a blessing from God that I was able to leave her casket open for others to also see her one last time if they chose to. All things considered, she looked absolutely beautiful that day.
A dear friend of mine, Shelly, comforted me perfectly after I shared my feelings about Lauren's report with her. She texted me the next day and wrote "You have been in my thoughts last night and this morning. I am so sorry that you had to read all the trauma that your baby's body had to go through. I won't say that I know what you're going through because I just don't. I have been praying for you to have comfort and peace of mind that God scooped Lauren's soul up straight to Heaven without a scratch in it. Her poor body was left to take the worse but she was already enjoying the peace and joy of God's love in Heaven."
Amen.....I couldn't have said it better myself.