Contemptuous Comments

On the morning I was informed my daughter had been killed visitors started arriving early. First was my pastor followed by family members, friends, colleagues and unexpectedly the news media. Apparently the accident, which closed down the major thoroughfare through town for at least 5 hours, had been reported on the news all morning. Needless to say I had not been watching television.
My husband Kevin protected me by greeting the reporters at the door to inform them I was not ready to talk. Most of those who arrived were disrespectful, rude and even pushy. All except one who I later granted a brief interview.
As I started watching the news reports the photos were graphic. Both vehicles were severely twisted, mangled and crushed. Some pictures showed the car Lauren had been in still upside down having most of the roof caved in. I found myself looking for any signs that survival might have been in the realm of possibilities but there were none. While watching the reports on television and reading the news stories online I picked up on a recurring theme. All of the reports mentioned that none of the victims involved in the crash were wearing seat belts.
Now at this time I did not have confirmation that Lauren had been riding in the backseat but had assumed it to be so based on knowing my daughter and how she operates. I was later informed that I had been correct, Lauren was in the back. I then made the mistake of reading the comments attached to the many news reports accessible online. A majority of the comments also focused on the lack of seat belts and conveyed a "tsk, tsk....shame on them" tone. The online commenters were aghast. I mean, how stupid can you be nowadays not to wear your seat belt right? "Most people who ride in the backseat!" I wanted to shout loud enough that they could all hear. I was angry. It was as if the readers were blaming Lauren and her friends for their horrendous fate. If only they had worn their seat belts.
See here's the funny thing about a collision in which one vehicle is going in excess of 100 mph and the other is traveling at 65 mph and those two vehicles meet...seat belts become irrelevant. I received confirmation of this a while after I returned to work. A co-worker of mine has a son who works in the firehouse which reported to the accident scene that dreadful morning. He was working the morning shift the next day and therefore was not directly involved. The protocol of the firehouse shift change is to let the oncoming personnel know what happened the night before. In speaking with his supervisor my friend's son inquired as to the accuracy of the news media in reporting that no seat belts had been worn. The supervisor confirmed the reports and then solemnly added that they wouldn't have made a difference. Now to say that this news gave me some relief may seem morbid but I was angry that everyone, to me it felt like everyone, had inadvertently blamed my Lauren for her demise. I prayed to God to help me let it go. So entered my dear friend Kellye.
Kellye and I attended graduate school together at the University of Florida. At the time we carpooled from a town a little over an hour's commute from the school. Needless to say we became close friends, despite being complete opposites, as we drove to and from school sharing stories, laughs and sometimes tears. I often teased Kellye for her introversion. We were both studying to become school administrators. I went on into the biz while Kellye and her husband decided to become missionaries instead. What a wonderful way for God to ask my introverted pal to expand her comfort zone while serving Him. They started their journey in Moscow, Russia and are now doing His work in Vienna, Austria.
 I expressed my feelings to Kellye through email messages regarding my utter resentment at the tone of these insensitive comments and how I was also struggling with my anger about it. As always she provided a powerful, poignant and positive perspective. She said to me "I wonder if it's not that people want to have a reason. They want it not to be this random thing that could happen to any of us. And it IS a random thing that could happen to any of us....We don't like to think that this happens to good parents, to people who love and adore and take care of their children. I don't want this to happen to someone LIKE me because that means it could happen TO me."
Instantly I got it. It wasn't about me and it wasn't even about Lauren. It was about the need to control what can't be controlled. It was about attempting to fortify themselves against the unimaginable. "If I just make certain my children wear their seat belts at all times a polite state trooper will never appear on my doorstep and rob me of my purest joy." If only life were that simple.