Happy Birthday Baby

Today my daughter Lauren would have turned 20....if she hadn't died. I have thought a lot about this day and have been plagued with apprehension. How will I feel? What should I do to celebrate? Will I be so distraught that I will not be able to go to work? I can report that I did go to work and attempted to stay as busy as possible. Scheduling meetings, talking to angry parents on the phone, advocating for ornery students with frustrated administrators and other exciting endeavours. What a wonderful way to drown my pain.
As this date was rapidly approaching I have become rather nostalgic looking back and remembering birthdays from the past. All I have now are the memories of birthdays gone by. I thought a brief walk down memory lane might do me some good.
Lauren had some rather memorable birthday celebrations indeed. Of course her 1st birthday was fantastic and she received way too many gifts. One was an inflatable pool and it was filled with all of the other trinkets. Of course we had the obligatory bowling birthday party and the Chuck E. Cheese germ fest party. But a few of Lauren's celebrations were more eventful than others.
The year Lauren turned 8 we decided to borrow my parents motor home and invite a handful of her friends to camp overnight in a county park nearby. The park is next door to a riding stable so the plan was to go horseback riding. What a fun activity. It was a disaster. One horse kept running back to the feed trough while another literally stood in one spot and refused to move. We called him "Glue"...as in not moving at all and one step from heading to the factory. Not nice I know but no one said I'm nice. But all the while Lauren kept her spirits up and never complained. Even though she was saddled atop of "Glue"!
The adventure continued that weekend as we were leaving the campground. I assured my ex-husband that I was more than capable of driving the motor home. As I exited our assigned space I thought I was home free. Suddenly Ray was honking from the car behind me and flagging me down. Apparently I had turned too sharply and the back bumper, which extends well beyond the wheel well on large motor homes, had caught the spigot and ripped it from the ground. Water was now spewing up like Old Faithful all over the site. Needless to say a marital spat ensued but in the end Ray fixed the pipe and all was well. By the way, this happened on Sunday, Mother's Day.
When Lauren was turning 10 we had relocated to an area south of Jacksonville. She had started playing softball at the local park and wanted a pool party at the house to include all of her team mates. One little girl on her team had a birthday within the same week. Her parents were not in a financial position to fund a party for her. I prayed about the situation and presented Lauren with an idea. "How about a double party for both of you?" "Awesome! That would be even more fun mommy" was Lauren's response. It never entered her mind to be selfish. So I made the invitations for both girls and even featured them both on the cake I had made with the "pool" theme. Two little faces in the pool made of blue icing.
For her sweet 16 Lauren decided she wanted to invite a handful of close friends and stay a night out at the beach. By this time I was a single mom and operating on a greatly reduced budget but hey, that's what grandparents are for. My parents treated with covering the cost of the hotel room and we were set. The next year she asked to do the same thing hoping to make this trip to the beach a new tradition. Around dinner time we all loaded into my mom's minivan to head out for dinner. We drove about 30 minutes down the beach to a trendy area with several restaurants to choose from. When we pulled in and parked the car an announcement was bellowed from the back seat. "I don't have any shoes!" Of the 5 girls in the car...3 had forgotten to wear shoes including my own kid. Seriously??? So we loaded back up, went across the pass, and headed for a tourist souvenir shop in search of flip flops. I made it abundantly clear that all shoes purchased would be a size 9....MY size as they were all going to be mine after this little adventure. The girls giggled, all found shoes, and dinner was lovely.
So tonight my family will meet at Beef o Brady's for dinner. We have eaten and celebrated at this same spot for Lauren's two most recent birthday's. I only wish I had known that her 19th would be her last. Would I have done something more? I'm not sure how you party on your last birthday especially when you have no clue the next will come to pass without your participation. So we will eat, laugh and probably cry a little. Then I will take balloons to Lauren's grave. She always loved balloons.