I do not like to shop. Never have and never will. The only time I receive any pleasure whatsoever from trudging through stores to try on clothes is when I have to shop for a special occasion. A friend's wedding, a job interview, Lauren's graduation or Easter for example.
I did not shop for my daughter's funeral. Some might argue that this should certainly fall into the category of a "special occasion" but I could not bring myself to buy a new dress to bury my daughter. Trust me, I have plenty of black dresses in my closet. Any gal who struggles with her weight has black in her wardrobe...it's a rule.
But the dress I would wear on the day of the service was only one of many decisions that had to be made in a matter of days. It is amazing how many things you have to consider when laying a loved one to rest. I spoke to the funeral home on the Friday I found out about Lauren's demise but did not actually go in that day. On the phone I was informed I would need to bring in a dress for Lauren and some other necessary items.
A dress for Lauren. This man was asking me to bring a dress for my child to wear in her casket. My beautiful, gregarious, charismatic and free spirited child who needed to be dressed in her final outfit. A dress for all eternity. Talk about a tough decision.
My mind started running through all of her clothing trying to come up with something appropriate. Here's the part you have to remember, an autopsy had been performed according to state law in Florida when an accidental death occurs. Therefore one has to keep in mind the noticeable scarring as a result. I had to think of a dress that would cover most of Lauren's chest therein hiding the scars. At this stage in life she really didn't have many dresses. We had just spoken the weekend prior to the accident about plans to go Easter dress shopping. You're never too old for a new pretty dress for Easter.
I decided to check my closet. As soon as I started rummaging through my dresses the perfect candidate appeared before my eyes. A purple dress I had bought for Lauren's high school graduation the summer of 2012. She loved that dress so much I think she may have worn it more that I had. She wore it the day I married Kevin. I was reminded a week after the service while looking through pictures that she had also borrowed it for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary reception. She loved that dress. So began the purple theme.
We all arrived the next day at the funeral home. I brought the dress with me and handed it over to the director. A final small sacrifice from a mother for her daughter because I failed to mention but I loved that dress too. We then commenced with business. Flowers, casket, guest book, obituary, tribute, hairdresser (yes, you have to think about that too) and final resting place.
I had already decided where Lauren would be buried. Luckily, an odd word to use I know, my parents had previously purchased a plot in a small community cemetery close to my home. As a matter of fact the cemetery is less than a mile from the house where I first brought Lauren home from the hospital a few days after she was born. I suppose now life has come full circle as I chose a spot close to that first home in which to lay her to rest.
The plot directly adjacent to my parents' was available. God is good. It is on the end of a row right next to a beautiful majestic oak. I thought to myself, "I can come here and sit. I can come to pray, read, talk to Lauren, or just sit. This will be ok." And so the arrangements were made and shared with the funeral director.
There were still more decisions to be made. Would we invite family and close friends back to our house for a meal following the service or use space at the church? Who would provide the food? Which Bible verses did we want to include in the service and which hymns? Who would ride with whom in order to limit the cars in the processional? All of these decisions to be made when all I wanted to do was cry. At times I wished everyone would just go away so I could fall apart privately. I easily share my funny stories, my feelings of excitement or joy but weakness, pain or suffering I have always preferred to keep to myself.
I finally had to tell Kevin, Sandie and my mom that I was done with business. I had made all the decisions I could make and would make no more.
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