Standing Room Only

I was informed later that Lauren's service had somewhere between 800 and 900 people in attendance. I was so focused on maintaining some small shred of decorum that I was operating with tunnel vision. I did glance back once and became aware that the line to come in the sanctuary was lengthy but had no idea so many had come to pay their respects. The plan that morning was for family to arrive at 9:00 to have a private viewing followed by receiving guests promptly at 10:00 with the service set to begin at 11:00. The plans had all been taken care of as Ray and I had met with the pastor a few days before. But I am here to tell you...no amount of planning can ever make you "prepared".
We made it to the church on time. As I entered the back of the sanctuary I glanced at the guestbook displayed on a podium and asked Ray to leave some of the pictures we had brought from home on the back window sill for guests to see as they walked in. I know that I was stalling and attempting to delay the inevitable. I knew I would be seeing Lauren soon.
As Ray and I climbed into his truck that morning at the house and started the short trip to the church one thought prevailed in my mind. "I really hope at least a few people got my baby some flowers so her service will be pretty." When I finally mustered up the nerve to turn my attention to the front of the sanctuary tears instantly filled my eyes. I have never seen so many beautiful flower arrangements in one place in my entire life. I later wrote 52 thank you notes for floral arrangements alone.
But there in the middle of all of this outpouring of beauty and love stood a casket. Beautiful in it's own right as I had chosen a lovely grey and silver style, this vessel held the love of my life. Within its satin ruffles and upon it's delicate pillow lay my daughter, my child, my heart and soul. And now it was time for me to see her.
The walk down the aisle was tricky and my emotions were mixed. I was overjoyed with the exquisiteness of the flowers and grief stricken by their purpose. Thrilled that so many people had thought so kindly of Lauren to send them and devastated that they had done so for this reason.
I didn't hesitate at the front because by this time I wanted to see her. I needed to see her. So I swiftly approached her casket and peered inside for the first time. An overwhelming sense of relief and calmness washed over me as I looked down at my daughter that day. She lay so still, so quiet and so peaceful. Considering the appalling circumstances of her death I thought she looked beautiful. Like an angel.
It was in that moment I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was fine. She was not really here. This service was not really for her but for us. For us to say our good byes. For us to experience some sort of finality and gain a sense of closure. Because it was right then and there that I knew without reservation that my Lauren was in heaven and watching over us all. And even though I wish desperately she were still here among us to love, to laugh and to live...I never knew more than I did in that exact moment that all is well. I only pray that those of us left behind will continue to find comfort in knowing this and may it give us strength on the days we miss her so.